Please God Let it Be Herpes by Carlos Kotkin

Author:Carlos Kotkin [Kotkin, Carlos]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781101577059
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2012-03-06T00:00:00+00:00

The H Word

The time had come to find a soul mate. Enough was enough. I was thirty years old and now more than ever ready to share my life. Up to this point, my romantic history consisted of hopeless infatuations, short-lived relationships (if that was the right word), and the occasional prom date. There were also uneventful regular dates interspersed throughout that went nowhere so fast, atoms were split by the mutual indifference. It all amounted to a whole lot of emptiness. I still didn’t know exactly who I was looking for, besides the basics—a full set of teeth, not too hairy—but I did know I wanted something meaningful, passionate, and lasting. My past experiences had taught me that most people were on a different wavelength. The key was finding somebody tuned to the same frequency. I’d know who that person was when I found her.

Pinpointing my soul mate’s exact location was a challenge due in large part to my inherently antisocial tendencies along with the demands of my work schedule. I was still making my way up the Hollywood food chain. (Progress had been made, but I wasn’t a mogul.) Meeting new people was half the battle. If only there were somewhere I could see a list of single women, a place where those women posted pictures of themselves and maybe wrote a few details about their lives, the kinds of qualities they were seeking in a companion. Then it dawned on me. Mail-order brides! Perhaps that was the answer. I decided it would be too much of a hassle returning a bride if things didn’t work out. The postage alone was probably through the roof. Instead, I gave Internet dating a try.

I resisted Internet dating for a good long while. Something about it didn’t seem natural. I didn’t like the idea of finding my soul mate the same place somebody could become addicted to porn, learn how to build homemade bombs, or catch a virus just by clicking on Here’s those pictures you asked for. But the opportunity to meet hundreds, if not thousands, of available women who might be on the same frequency led me to traverse the perilous netherworld of the Internet. I am not permitted to mention the dating Web site I joined. (It starts with an M and rhymes with Snatch.com.) Upon joining, I was asked to create a screen name for myself. I came up with: ChickenWhisperer. The name was an homage to my beloved feathered friends who helped me get through sixth grade. It also served as a reminder to go forth in my search for a mate the same way a chicken would—with self-assurance and tenacity.

Meeting someone through this site proved to be a bit of a challenge at first. I wrote to a number of women, I’m guessing about five or six hundred. I’d send messages such as “Hi, SexySoCalGirl26, this is ChickenWhisperer. We seem to have a lot in common. I like to have fun and laugh all the time too! Tell me about that dog in your pictures.

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