Passing For black by Linda Villarosa

Author:Linda Villarosa
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Kensington Books
Published: 2008-12-15T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 17

I walked into the well-lit lobby of Mae’s building at 28th and Madison after working late at Désire. I had been shuttling between her place and my parents’ for over a week. Cait and I were still in a standoff. Which stung but was also okay; I needed to catch my breath.

Mae’s apartment was in a weird, commercial part of Manhattan, but she loved it. I think she loved that she lived in a high-rise building, and was always trying to work the phrase “my doorman” into conversation. Mae was standing in her doorway wearing a pink shortie nightgown and matching pink silk head scarf. She had put on dusty-rose lipstick, even.

“Honey, you’re home!” Mae said as she helped me pull off my coat. We sat together on her bed, which was in the living room of her studio. It was really “our” bed now. I had slept badly every night I’d been there, teetering on my edge. Last night was the worst: I had awakened at 3 A.M. with Mae’s pudgy hand on the side of my head, a clunky ring wedged in my ear. Her apartment didn’t have to be configured the way it was, but she’d chosen a yawning walk-in closet over a bedroom.

“You don’t look so great, Ang.” As soon as Mae said it, I started to cry. Worriedly, she stroked my shoulder, and handed me a tissue out of a candy-striped box on her nightstand.

“Mae, I know I look like shit. My life is ruined,” I huffed through sobs. “What have I done?”

Though I was raw from my breakup with Keith, it was Cait whom I longed for. I had called her several times, but she had refused to answer when my number came up. The one time she had picked up, I had hung up, unsure what to say. But I hadn’t told Mae any of this.

“Ang, explain to me again why Keith broke up with you and kicked you out of your apartment so suddenly.” She handed me another tissue. Always a good reporter, she was sniffing around the holes in my story.

I wanted to tell her, to blurt out the whole thing and stop obscuring the details, but I was afraid. Would she be able to handle the gay part? She had lots of gay male friends, and she had made it through the lesbian sex conference. But she also had a Southern black background. I was afraid of the kind of small-town Christian judgment that clings even to sophisticated people long after they’ve left the South. I couldn’t risk losing another person whom I loved.

“You know you’re not a good liar; you never were,” Mae said, putting her arms around me tightly. “I love you no matter what, right? Now tell me whatever it is.”

“Okay.” I took a deep breath. “Remember how you told me that I’d feel better about getting married if I had an affair?” Oh God, here goes, I thought.

“Uh-huh.” Mae said, fluffing up her pillows and kicking her feet out in front of her on the bed.

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