Operation Trumpsformation by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Author:Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781844883837
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd
Published: 2017-07-03T16:00:00+00:00

6. Transition Year

The old gaff smells of something. It could be just damp. It hasn’t been lived in for months. But then it’s not just damp? It also smells of – this could be my mind playing tricks on me – but death. Five and a half months ago, a man died in this house, possibly murdered by my old dear. And now me and the old man are back living here.

I open the fridge. There’s, like, meat in there, which smells like a corpse, and vegetables in the crisper that have turned literally black. The old man doesn’t seem to care about the state of the place. He’s just, like, walking around the living room, looking at old stuff.

‘It’s kind of missing a woman’s touch,’ I go. ‘And I don’t mean that in a sexist way. Even though I probably do. I should ask Sorcha for Brandusa’s number. She’s an unbelievable cleaner – very thorough – and we found out that she wasn’t stealing from us after all.’

He goes, ‘God, we had some happy times in this house, didn’t we? You, me, and your mother!’

I’m like, ‘Speak for yourself. I hated every focking day of it. Would you not just apologize to Helen, then we can all move back to Ailesbury Road?’

‘It’s too late for that, Ross!’

‘She was the best thing about you. What the fock were you thinking?’

‘I think it’s clear I wasn’t thinking! I think popularity may have gone to my head somewhat! It was just, well, I commissioned a private poll that showed there was considerable support out there for my wall idea – sixty-two percent of people think it’s a good idea, Ross, despite your godfather’s fears that Charles O’Carroll-Kelly had finally gone and put his bloody well foot in it! Well, I was a bit giddy with the excitement of it and then young Muirgheal asked if I’d considered appointing a Deputy Leader yet! And, well, one thing sort of led to the other!’

‘I’m stunned that anything you just said could have led to “the other”. Why can’t you just admit it? You haven’t had one good day since you put that thing on your focking head. Now you’ve lost everything – your wife, your daughter, your home.’

‘Vitam regit fortuna, non sapientia, Kicker!’

My phone rings. I can see from the screen that it’s, like, Christian. He’s obviously heard. I can’t believe that it’s me cleaning up the old man’s mess for once. I’m like, ‘How the fock am I supposed to explain this to her supposed boyfriend?’

I answer.

Christian goes, ‘Is it true?’

I’m like, ‘Is what true? What have you heard?’ because it always pays to find out first. It might not even be what you think.

He goes, ‘What Erika just told me – about your old man and Muirgheal?’

I’m like, ‘Yeah, no, I walked in on them. Well, we knew she was ambitious.’

‘I thought it had to be a mistake. I said to Erika, “There’s no way in this world that Charles would ride Muirgheal.

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