Only Human by Holt Tom

Author:Holt ,Tom [,Tom, Holt]
Format: epub, mobi
Published: 2010-04-10T16:45:03.056000+00:00

Just when he thought he was safe, Len sneezed.

One tiny speck of dust it could only have been one, because that damned robot had rounded up all the others

hidden away under the workbench, and he had to breathe it in, with the inevitable result that he would be found. Filthy rotten luck.

Oh there you are, warbled the robot, a moment or so later. Ive been looking for you.

No kidding.

Oh yes. The robot looked at him; that is to say, its magnificently engineered sensory array located his body heat, ran a brief series of elimination tests to confirm that the subject was humanoid, cross-checked with data storage to correlate known characteristics of the humanoid Len with those of the subject (result ninety-nine point eight per cent positive), accessed logic centres to ascertain whether ninety-nine point eight was within approved tolerances to satisfy identification routines, received a positive answer, operated failsafe and backup identification procedures via the video link, olfactory analysis and voice pattern scan, and triumphantly presented its findings to the mainframe. The whole process took just under a thousandth of a second, causing the ongoing time-and-motion assessment systems to file an adequate but could do better report with the automated self-maintenance circuits. Whatre you doing under the bench? it asked politely.

Looking for something, Len replied awkwardly. I thought I, um, dropped a 4BA grubscrew.

Three small red lights on the sides of the robots head flashed greedily. Here, it said, allow me. Im good at finding things.

No, its all right, honest...

I exist, said the robot determinedly, only to serve. Budge up.

A few minutes later, the burnished steel head popped out from under the bench and turned towards him. Youre sure you dropped it here?

No, Len replied wretchedly. In fact, Im pretty sure I dropped it, er, somewhere else.

Pause. Flashing lights. Faint whirr as an automatic cooling fan cut in for a second or so. Bleep. Then why were you looking under here?

Dunno. More light under there, I guess.

Flink. Bleep. That sounds improbable. Cross-reference with archive material also indicates strong resemblance between your answer and a very old humanoid joke about the drunk and the policeman. You were hiding.

Len signed. All right. I was hiding. What about it?

Why were you hiding?

Because, Len replied irritably, ever since I put that damn Protestant work thing in your head, youve done nothing but badger me. Ive had enough, do you hear?

The robot looked hurt see above for the detailed technical stuff, plus a slight but perceptible quiver of one steel lip. But Im only trying to help. I exist only to serve. And, as you yourself observed, this place is a pigheap.

No its not.

Yes it is.

No its not.

Yes it is. Excuse me, the robot added quickly, but I base this observation on a detailed schematic diagram with extensive written commentary contained in an article in Engineering Today, issue two hundred and six, page forty-two and following, entitled Ideal Workshop Management; Theory and Practice, which states that

Dont care, Len interrupted angrily. I like it this way. And besides, he added, with a broad gesture, look at it.

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