Not that You Asked by Steve Almond

Author:Steve Almond
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Publisher: Random House
Published: 2007-05-26T04:00:00+00:00

JAY:

Squeeze a little more poop on the dimmer.

ANDY:

There?

JAY:

No, now there’s a bounce off the fill.

ANDY:

What do you want, a Gary Coleman?

JAY:

Try a beaverboard, maybe raise the main.

ANDY:

Good?

JAY (checking the monitor):

No, we need a dickhead. Actually, try a buttplug.

ANDY:

You want me to Dutch those barneys?

JAY:

No, just Hollywood it.

ANDY:

There?

JAY:

Yeah, that’s good. We’re speed.

I know you think I’m making this shit up, which, actually, I am. But those guys did use every single word in the above dialogue. It was part of their film production slang, a way of aggrandizing what would otherwise be grindingly dull work. They had a special term for everything. A clothespin was a C-47, or a bullet (a backward clothespin, naturally, was a C-74). The sandbags used to secure equipment were called beach, unless they were over thirty-five pounds, in which case they became ballbusters. One did not take a bathroom break but called for a 10-100 or, in more extreme need, a 10-200. (It will go without saying that I later forced Andy to make me a glossary of terms, which now hangs on my wall.)

I found the whole experience hopelessly cool—for about six hours. When it was time for lunch, Charlie went out in the van and returned with enough deli to feed the Red Army. He’d already gone to the market and brought back copious amounts of fruit, vegetables, nuts, chips, beef jerky, energy bars, soda, water, beer, and, of course, Red Bull. (The production team drank tremendous amounts of Red Bull. I’m not sure I can overstate the amount of Red Bull they drank. Over a two-day period, I would estimate a million cans.) There was about the scene something endearingly profligate.

Between shots I would wander into my kitchen and stare at all the food on my counters, the donuts, the Pringles, the soup and sandwiches, the coolers brimming with Cokes, and I would think: This is free! VH1 paid for this! I wanted to grab someone off the street and hold up each item for him and shout: They bought this! VH1 bought this for me! I am not being had for cheap!

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