No More Misbehavin': 38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them by Michele Borba Ed.d

Author:Michele Borba Ed.d.
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: &NEW, Family & Relationships, Discipline of Children, General, Parenting, Child Rearing, Behavior modification
ISBN: 9780787966171
Publisher: Jossey-Bass
Published: 2003-01-02T00:00:00+00:00

03PartII.Borba 12/16/02 6:22 PM Page 167

B E H A V I O R 21

Meanness

A t our family reunion yesterday,I saw a side of my nine-year-old son that I don’t like one bit. We were sitting around the pool, and all the kids were swimming except my five-year-old nephew.The kids kept urging him to jump in, but my nephew said he couldn’t swim.And that’s when my son hopped out, pushed his little cousin in, and held his head under. I immediately dove in the water and pulled him off.What really bothered me was that he didn’t seem to realize how upset his cousin was—the poor boy in tears!

—Maria, mother of two from Phoenix, Arizona BEHAVIOR TIP

No one is born mean. Kids are hard-wired for empathy and compassion, but unless we nurture those traits, they will lie dormant, and more selfish, angry, and insensitive behaviors can emerge.

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“Don’t sit next to me: you smell.”

“Hey, fatty! You’re going to break the chair.”

“Don’t even both coming to our try-outs Jimmy.You’ll never be able to afford the equipment.”

If we want our kids to be kind, it is imperative that they recognize that mean words and deeds are hurtful. Parents can play an important role in helping their kids recognize that unkind actions do have consequences. Research by Nancy Eisenberg from the University of Arizona finds that parents who give clear messages about the impact that hurtful behaviors can have on others tend to raise kinder and more empathic children. So turn your kids’ unkind behaviors into teachable moments by talking things through to ensure that they understand the hurt that unkindness can cause.Although it may take a few minutes, the time will be very well spent because the process is one of the best ways to raise warm-hearted kids.

FOUR STEPS TO REDUCE

MEAN BEHAVIOR

Here are four discipline steps to use to correct your kid’s unkind behaviors and boost empathy.

Step 1. Target the Mean Behavior, Not Your Kid When you see your kid being mean, immediately call her attention to the behavior. Don’t fall into the trap of giving a lengthy sermon on the Golden Rule (our lectures generally turn kids off anyway). Instead, take time to name and briefly describe the child’s unkind actions.Your message should focus only on your child’s unkind behavior, not on the child.You want to make sure she clearly understands what unkind behavior you object to and why you disapprove. Here are a few examples of how to target unkind behavior: 168

No More Misbehavin’

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“Calling your cousin ‘Four Eyes’ was unkind. Name-calling is not nice because it puts someone down.That’s something I just can’t allow.”

“Telling your sister fat jokes and calling her ‘fatty’ is not kind.You’re laughing at her, not with her.You may not tease if it hurts the person’s feelings.”

“Not asking your friend which show he wanted to watch was uncaring.You’re watching only what you want and not considering what he’d like. I expect you to be a more thoughtful host.”

Step 2. Help

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