NNNNN by Carl Reiner

Author:Carl Reiner
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon and Schuster
Published: 2006-07-15T00:00:00+00:00

13

On leaving Gertrude’s office, a guilt-ridden Nat called Glennie on his cell phone and begged for her forgiveness. Knowing her husband’s penchant for drama, she did not worry that he had done anything that needed serious forgiving. Although, she thought, whatever it was, it had better not involve the “very attractive” Dr. Trampleasure.

“Forgive you for what, darling?” she asked.

“I just left Gertrude’s office—that is, Dr. Trampleasure’s office—”

“Oh? Gertrude and Dr. Tramp -pleasure share an office?” Glennie asked, purposefully mangling the name.

“No, honey, she’s one person, and it’s Tram pleasure, Dr. Gertrude Trampleasure. I told you about her. I just spent a half hour with her and—”

“—and you want me to forgive you for that?” she snapped.

“Yes—no, Glennie, not for spending time with her but for telling her all about my meeting in Boston before I got to tell you about it. I’m on my way home. It’s a horror story. In the meantime, can you do me a favor?”

“Certainly, darling,” she said, sheathing her rapier. “What’s the favor?”

“I’d like you to call Gertrude—”

“Me?” Glennie asked, taken aback. “You want—me—to call your Dr. Pleasure?”

“Trampleasure, hon,” he corrected, sighing. “And she’s not my Dr. Trampleasure! Look, just call her and give her Morton Quigley’s number—her number is on my night table. She’s very anxious to find out if he is Buddy Keebler, or if he knows where the real Buddy Keebler is—she had a thing with him when they were youngsters.”

“Nat, slow down,” Glennie said, thoroughly confused. “Are you saying that you may be one of three?”

“Yes, I told you I’m a triplet—no, I didn’t, and that’s why I feel like a shit! I’ll be home in forty minutes and tell you everything. Who my father is. Who my mother is—was—and why I’m so screwed up!”

The moment he hung up, Nat wasted no time before engaging in a screaming argument with himself.

“Hey, schmuck, why the hell did you ask Glennie to give Quigley’s number to Gertrude?”

“Because I am a schmuck!”

“Why didn’t you wait till you got home and give her Quigley’s number yourself?”

“Because I’m a stupid schmuck!”

“Glennie is pissed!”

“She’s got every right to be, hasn’t she?”

“Damn right she has!”

“And why did you have to tell Glennie that Dr. Trampleasure is attractive?”

“Because I’m an idiot!”

“Glennie calling her Dr. Tramp was not accidental.”

“I know—she’s mad at me.”

“Can you blame her?”

“No! She may not talk to me when I get home.”

“And I wouldn’t blame her—”

“I’m a stupid idiot!”

“So am I!”

For the remainder of the drive home, Nat had nothing to say, but his mind was awhirl. He knew there was something different about the high-decibel exchange he had just had—but it surprised and delighted him. A mile or so from his destination, he happily concluded that in that last discussion, his two voices, which were ordinarily discordant, now screamed at each other in agreement.

The major surprise of the long day was waiting for Nat when he returned home. He was expecting a less than welcoming wife but did not imagine that she would totally ignore him.

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