Nature is the Worst by E. Reid Ross

Author:E. Reid Ross [Ross, E. Reid]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2017-01-02T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 5

Menacing Mammal Maliciousness

When asked what the most dangerous animal on Earth is, the insufferably smug person in the room will invariably say, “man.” First of all, that’s sexist. And furthermore, that person has clearly never exited a shower to find a band of startled raccoons. Yes, humans can be gross, but nobody I’ve ever met can poop forty times in one day like a panda and survive. Just because something’s fuzzy and warm does not preclude a cold heart. Mammals can go to war, commit cruel and unusual deeds, and become addicted to porn just like that uncle nobody likes getting into conversations with at family reunions. And if you think you’re somehow superior to all the other lowly beasts that skitter, slither, or squirm just because you belong to the vaunted class Mammalia, or somehow entitled because you’re a card-carrying member of the order Primate, see how proud you feel after learning that .

Primates don’t come much stupider-looking than male proboscis monkeys, whose oversized noses (used for amplifying the volume of their annoying honks) hang down well past their mouths. But as dopey as they look, the face might not be the physical feature that burns itself into your memory after an encounter. Because they also have bright red, permanently erect penises that are so off-putting that the monkeys sometimes use them to intimidate foes.

Proboscis monkeys can live for up to twenty years in the wild, and possibly thirty if they swallow their pride and visit an urologist.

“The Amazing Swimming Proboscis Monkey (Part I),” Scientific American, scientificamerican.com

Prairie dogs sure are cute. The adorable way they pop their heads out of their burrows and look around has made their colonies a tourist attraction in places like Utah and South Dakota. What’s not so endearing is how prairie dogs routinely murder baby squirrels by chasing them down and shaking them to death. This behavior is the first recorded instance of serial herbivorous-mammal-on-herbivorous-mammal homicide, and it basically comes down to a turf war, occurring when both species are competing for the same real estate and food.

If you find this information too disturbing, you could always visit the closest Chuck E. Cheese's and exact some imaginary justice at the whack-a-mole game.

“Biologists Have Learned Something Horrifying about Prairie Dogs,” Gizmodo, gizmodo.com

Despite what your childhood trips to the water park might have led you to believe, seals aren’t all about flipper clapping and handstands. They’re carnivores, after all, and so a certain level of violence is simply an unavoidable aspect of their nature. But what’s a little harder to accept is some species’ propensity for completely unnecessary assaults on other animals, for purposes that have nothing to do with food whatsoever. All right, I’ll stop beating around the bush—Antarctic fur seals are raping penguins, and scientists have no idea why.

Some suggested it might have something to do with the penguins’ shape and color patterns, until Facebook accusations of “victim shaming” compelled them to immediately check their privilege and attend lengthy sensitivity training.

“Multiple Occurrences of

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