My Fair Lazy by Jen Lancaster

Author:Jen Lancaster
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Tags: Non-fiction, Humour, Biography
ISBN: 9780451229861
Publisher: NAL Hardcover
Published: 2010-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

To: stacey_at_home

From: jen_at_home

Subject: Whitesnake

Still haven’t gotten the hang of these stupid extensions yet.

I just tried to let the hair go all curly, and when I was done drying it, I was all, “Hey! I look just like Tawny Kitaen!”

Then I went downstairs to show Fletch and he was all, “Wow, you look just like David Coverdale.”

Argh.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Shear Jenius

“Tell me everything!”

“I don’t even know where to start,” I say. Stacey and I are seeing each other for the first time in six weeks. “Then again, nothing I’ve done was nearly as cool as what you were doing.”

Stacey and her friends are back from a three-week trip of a lifetime, going back and forth between an uncle’s villa in the south of France and Paris. Her days were filled with scouring local farmers’ markets and cooking gourmet meals with the ingredients, reading great books pool-side, walking all over Paris, and visiting churches and museums and other famous landmarks. Basically everything she did in France would have dovetailed perfectly into my Jenaissance, and it’s a shame she’s already plenty cultured. Then again, I wonder if I wouldn’t have spent the whole time eating at Mr. Donut and complaining about French toilet paper, like I did when I was sixteen.

Stacey sits back on the couch and crosses her arms. “You are a complete dork. I want to know what you’ve been up to, so start talking.”

I scrunch my eyes closed and try to think. “I can’t remember what I e-mailed you last. Did I tell you about the black tar heroin I bought in Chinatown?”

“You did. Ever find out what organic bird tongue was?”

I bob my head, causing an avalanche of all this stupid hair. Did I mention these extensions are making me mental? First, I had no clue how much upkeep they’d take. Every night when I sit down to watch television, I have to spend an hour separating them, or else they’ll turn into dreadlocks.130 I have to use special shampoo and only boar-bristle brushes because plastic ones would yank out the bonds. But I forgot one morning when I was on tour and accidentally pulled out four sections, thus giving myself a heart attack because I thought I was going instantaneously bald.

I left the pieces on the counter because I didn’t know if I should save them or what, and when I got back to my room, housekeeping was there. And the poor cleaning lady was all, “Does missus have the cancer?”

Now that I’ve got a couple of inches of growth between the glue and my scalp, the extensions are more like a whole headful of tiny bear traps. My hair’s kind of like a small utility belt and would come in handy if I wanted to, say, carry batteries or a small flashlight or something up there.

(Sidebar: On the bright side, my sunglasses always stay firmly in place.)

Every time I try to run my hands through my hair, my fingers get tangled up. I spent fifteen minutes in Target last week trying to extricate my bracelets from my ponytail.

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