Mother, Can You Not? by Kate Siegel

Author:Kate Siegel [Siegel, Kate]
Language: eng
Format: epub, azw3
ISBN: 9781101907047
Publisher: Crown/Archetype
Published: 2016-04-05T06:00:00+00:00

Do Not Open Unless You Want to Cry

When I was born, my mother forced anyone who entered our home to bathe in hand sanitizer and wear a hospital mask as soon as they walked through the door. She also hired a British nanny whom she then refused to let hold me or, for that matter, even touch me. One night during a dinner party, when my mother wouldn’t hand me over to the nanny for a nap, a friend at the table jokingly defended my mom with: “Hey! If the nanny wants a baby…let her have her own fucking baby!”

Unfortunately, my mother adopted this sarcastic quip as a serious mantra and never let me out of her sight for the next eighteen years. Even in college, the helicoptering showed no signs of faltering.

During my freshman year, however, I was grateful to have her helping me navigate the minefield that is the life of a female college freshman. I think the best way to describe my first week on campus was that it felt like getting smacked in the face with a testosterone stick, and I called my mother every night for advice.

Realistically, I probably could have just met her for dinner at her hotel, as she hovered around campus for the first few weeks of school. There was a lot to discuss—it was a complete and utter shock for me to find that there were men who actively wanted to have sex with me. The great thing about Princeton was most of us were sexually frustrated nerds who spent high school working instead of socializing, so the alcohol flowed, and quoting Shakespeare was considered an acceptable come-on. That was great news for me. “This lady dothn’t protest at all!”

In high school, I kissed boys during musicals and played Truth or Dare a few times, but I never had a boyfriend. Technically, any and all smooching I had done up to that point was either the result of someone being forced to kiss me in a school play or being compelled to by a party game.

Within a week, I fell in puppy love with a sophomore named Adam Reitner. I met Adam in the dining hall one day, and he told a friend of mine that he thought I was hot. So yeah, we were in love. He was sarcastic, tall, and Jewish—not a bad start for someone like me who has erotic fantasies about Larry David. I had also assigned Adam an enormous penis in my daydreams, which didn’t hurt.

I wasn’t sure when to expect the sex stuff to start happening, but we were spending a lot of time together, and I thought things were going well. I even bragged to my mother. Remember how you thought I was going to die alone? Might not be the plan!

“You know that guy Adam I told you about? We’ve been hanging out for like a few weeks…” Translation: We’ve been doing a lot of “group hangs,” drinking, and sloppy inebriated dancing together while out partying.

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