Monkeys Wearing Pants by Jon Waldrep

Author:Jon Waldrep
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Tags: Comedy, Humor, General
Publisher: Smashwords
Published: 2013-08-31T16:00:00+00:00

More Random Randomness

A postal worker in Florida got busted for running in numerous marathons after going on worker’s comp for a back injury. Ironically, her race times actually improved after she went out on her fake claim. Not so ironically, it still takes me 45 minutes at the post office to mail a couple of things and buy a book of stamps.

I'm not big on leftover refried beans or, as I call them, re-refried beans.

I’m sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a symbol, a rare blood type, a haiku, a roman numeral and the name of your first pet in Esperanto.

I want to get a dog and name it Karma. That way, when it does something it shouldn't, I can say, "Bad Karma!"

Do you think a rat ever started eating something and then thought, "Whoa! Studies have proven this stuff kills humans!"

Sometimes, I have this dream that I'm a big league baseball player, and when I come up to bat, the PA system plays “Muskrat Love” (Captain and Tennille version) as my song. What can that possibly mean?

Twenty-one people at an event hosted by motivational speaker Tony Robbins suffered second and third degree burns while walking across hot coals, and three of the injured were treated at hospitals. I am now HIGHLY MOTIVATED to never try a stupid stunt like that.

For the first time playing Wii baseball, I hit a Grand Slam AND an out-of-the-park home run in the same game. Sadly, shortly thereafter I was traded for a nunchuk and a Mii to be named later.

We bought a new fridge today. It’s not big enough to hide a body or anything, but I can see a tuna casserole getting lost in the back for 3 or 4 weeks.

It's official. I now have more flash drives than toes.

I saw a great bumper sticker today when I was driving. I looked over and saw a stunningly good-looking blonde driving past me in a brand new, red convertible with the top down. As she passed, I saw the bumper sticker which simply read: "You wish." Classic.

Instructions? Instructions? I'm a guy. We don't need any instructions. I like to assemble Ikea furniture in a dark room with butter knife, a tuning fork, a roll of double-sided tape and that wrapper from the chalupa I had for lunch.

One of my New Year’s resolutions was to try even harder to pretend I like cats. I just like dogs better, even though I totally don’t understand people who get really small dogs. What’s the point? When your dog looks like a hamster on performance enhancing drugs, that’s just sad (for you and the dog). If you carry around a tiny dog and people mistake it for a keychain, your dog is just too damn small. If you lose your dog in the bottom of your purse between the (curiously strong) tin of Altoids and a pile of Target coupons, then you have a perrito muy chiquito that needs to chow down and bulk up.

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