Misalliance (Death Dwellers MC #4.5) by Kathryn Kelly

Author:Kathryn Kelly [Kelly, Kathryn]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Amazon: B00UC8CH92
Published: 2015-03-05T00:00:00+00:00

Dear Diary,

I’ll be released from the facility in one week. The closer it comes for me to walk away, the more nervous I grow. I’m also anticipating the moment I see Johnnie again. It’s an odd combination of fear and expectation.

One focus in therapy the past few days has been the pattern of abuse I suffered from my mother, from classmates and from Spoon. Dr. Stanton suggests I join a battered woman’s program. He still believes I may have certain triggers that’ll set me off or stunt all the strides I’ve made.

I disagree.

He claims that isn’t shocking.

I suppose the reason I go ballistic, on Meggie’s behalf, is because I feel as if she’s being abused. Yes, my internal struggle over her continues. I wish it wouldn’t. I wish I wouldn’t think of her and see my mother, falling apart because of my father’s death. She’s Caroline, too, to me, the sex object of a misogynistic brute.

And, still, she’s Emily, perfect and delicate.

How can I want to save her from herself and still wish I’d never met her?

Dr. Stanton believes she will act as my trigger.

Again, I disagree.

This time, he only glared at me and said, “Shocking,” in the driest tone I’ve ever heard.

To me, it feels as if I have a new lease on life, my confusion and ambivalence over Meggie notwithstanding.

If I’ve accepted nothing else, I have finally come to the conclusion that I’m a tall, curvy woman. (To me, this acceptance is concrete evidence that there’s nothing about Meggie that would trigger a meltdown in me.)

At the moment, I’m a pregnant, tall, curvy woman. Both my child and I need nourishment. I’m going to be a mom, and I will endeavor to be the mother to my son or daughter that I never had.

Charlotte has stepped in. She’s attentive, elegant and cultured, the kind of mother I always wished I’d had. She’s perfect for me. Involved in her numerous charities, she also makes the perfect wife for Brooks. It shocked me to discover she’s aware of her husband’s more shady dealings.

I realize I expect everyone to practice deception.

Dr. Stanton said that’s another reason why I undermine any chance at close relationships. There’s a depth and a variance to every association, up close and personal or not. It all goes back to my perception and how I define my own self-worth.

Didn’t we have this discussion before? Yes, several times. I’ve written about it in my journal even more. I can honestly say my self-esteem has risen and I’m more comfortable with my body. I’m happy to have Charlotte as a maternal figure, but she doesn’t approve of Johnnie. She is suggesting I find a man more suited to my tastes. In actuality, I think it’s more suited to her tastes.

That’s a revelation, and I further understand that MY criticism towards Meggie is better suited to my tastes and my life’s experiences. I see myself being who I expect Meggie to be. It’s so much easier to see another person changing into the vision you have, than it is to change yourself.

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