Memoirs and Misinformation by Jim Carrey & Dana Vachon

Memoirs and Misinformation by Jim Carrey & Dana Vachon

Author:Jim Carrey & Dana Vachon
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group
Published: 2020-07-06T16:00:00+00:00


* * *

She’d later remember that the house had been too tidy. The bathroom was indictingly immaculate, no toothpaste on the sink, fresh hand towels on the rack. And the bedsheets, usually only changed on Wednesdays, were freshly cleaned and pressed. Housekeepers on the weekend? Never. Then, in the hallway, she saw a twinkling speck on the rug. She leaned down, picked it up: a glittery acrylic fingernail, a tiny talon, cotton-candy pink.

Half filled with hope, half with dread, she went into the office off the kitchen, locking the door behind her. Sat down at the desktop. Saw the software icon for Brentwood Home Security Systems, clicked on it. Inside were folders storing video feeds of the past days. She fast-forwarded through the footage of the Hummingbird Road gate.

Hours and hours of it.

Then a woman’s figure came into grainy form.

Pause. Zoom.

She saw that it was her chosen sex doll, Helena San Vicente.

The gates swung open.

She watched the young Monroe impersonator enter.

Switched to the foyer camera.

Saw Carrey grabbing her, the lusty meeting, their disappearance into the master suite. She sped across the hours, then slowed as the street-facing cameras flooded with ambulance lights. Paramedics rushed inside the house. A space of dead minutes. Then out came Helena, body jostling on the gurney as they carried her into the ambulance, limp flesh flaring green in the night-vision camera.

But this tryst wasn’t so surprising to Georgie, and it wasn’t the sight of a girl on a gurney that most horrified her. It was the speed and the ease with which a life could be consumed here, the acid realization that she was, herself, already at some point along the way in this process. That her dreams would not come true here.

She stepped out into the living room to see him in the flesh.

He flashed her his trademark genial grin, but his puffy eyes betrayed him. Then he burrowed back into his hot-fudge sundae and the afternoon’s viewing, a History Channel documentary, Mysteries of Atlantis. The narrator described a set of ultrapowerful crystal orbs thought to have given the ancient Atlanteans access to nearly limitless energy and also, most appealingly, supernatural powers. A group of explorers believed that erratic electromagnetic readings suggested these power spheres were located in a trench off the Greek island of Santorini, but couldn’t afford the advanced submarines required to recover them. Watching, Carrey wondered: Was all his previous stardom just preparation for some greater spiritual-historical role? Was the cosmos speaking to him through the television? Presenting him with his true fate—something far beyond make-believe?

He loaded up a spoonful of vanilla ice cream, twisted a slick of fudge around it, then poked at a maraschino cherry for a bit before losing patience and plowing the spoon into his craw. Sweet sugar settling over him, he resumed his wonderings.

Was the cosmos tasking him with using his personal fortune to recover the power spheres of Atlantis from the deeps off Santorini? The power spheres, said the narrator, may have lifted the Atlanteans from their craggy island into realms of pure energy.



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