Magic Mobile by Michael Frayn

Author:Michael Frayn [Michael Frayn]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780571355013
Publisher: Faber & Faber
Published: 2020-05-14T16:00:00+00:00

Hi! Here I am! Late, as usual!

You’ve been waiting and waiting, I know! Don’t say no you haven’t, because I know you have! And what’s even more awful is that you then have to be polite and pretend you haven’t!

But that’s me! People must get so cross! I can’t help laughing sometimes!

Never mind – just think how surprised you’d have been if I’d turned up on time! Because you know me! You must have been expecting me to be at least an hour late! And in actual fact it’s only, what …? Oh, two hours!

Well, you must have been expecting me not to do what you expected! You should know me by now!

Anyway, it could easily have been three! Or four! Or a month! Me being what I am!

I might well never have turned up at all, in fact! Because you know what I’m like! Always changing my mind! Saying I’ll do one thing and then doing another! People are always telling me! ‘We never know what you’re going to do next! The only thing we know is that we don’t know!’

Same with the way I drive! Actually, that’s what made me so late! Ran over an old lady on the way here! Typical me! I thought, I’ll go left! And then, halfway left, I thought, No, it’s a fine day, I think I’ll go right! If the poor old lady had only known it was me she’d have guessed what was coming!

So then, of course, the police turned up! They want to charge me! Running over old ladies – ten points on my licence, probably! I told them, Sorry and all that, but it’s simply the kind of thing I do! It’s just the way I am! Can’t help it! Must have been the way I was brought up!

Car’s a bit of a write-off! Not mine, fortunately! Belongs to some friends of mine! It’s happened before, of course, so they won’t be too surprised when I tell them! Well, a bit surprised, perhaps, because I forgot to tell them I was taking it! Silly old me! Incorrigible! Never remember anything until it’s too late!

Always makes them laugh when I do things like this! ‘Oh, you!’ they go!

All you need to do, when you explain, is you just put an exclamation mark at the end! That’s what I do, anyway! Exclamation marks all over the place whenever I open my mouth!

Some people are always trying to get me to be different! But, honestly, who wants to be predictable? Bor-ing! Life’s too short! Being unpredictable is what people love about me! Smash bash crash! There we go again! Here today, gone tomorrow! Or gone today, as a matter of fact, if you’re the old lady! Even better for her if I’d gone yesterday!

I’ve just met this woman who’s exactly like me! Always forgetting things, apparently! Well, I say I’ve met her. I haven’t actually yet, because she forgot to turn up! Didn’t matter – in fact I didn’t even realise –

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