Mad as Hell and Back by Shaun Micallef

Author:Shaun Micallef
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: ebook
Publisher: Hardie Grant Publishing
Published: 2019-06-04T16:00:00+00:00

Scared of death? Every year thousands of Australians die. Keep the Grim Reaper’s hand off your shoulder and reproductive organs with a free health check at Lee Qi Nguyen’s pop-up massage tent. Relax in an uneven plastic chair and let Lee’s highly untrained staff rub your body otherwise they’d have to tie you down. Mention this program for a look of confusion. I’m Lois Price for Mad as Hell.

Champion Burglar

From the desk.

SHAUN: Police have released a CCTV photograph of a man …

Cut to a still from a CCTV camera of a bandit in a 7-Eleven wearing a balaclava and a sweat top with the brand name ‘Champion’ clearly emblazoned on it.

SHAUN: … wanted in connection, and I would suggest rather a close connection, with a hold-up in a 7-Eleven in suburban Melbourne.

To discuss this incident I’m joined in the studio now by the director of public relations at Champion Sportswear, Lenore Crimp.

Lenore is at the desk. She has a pleasant demeanour.

SHAUN: Lenore, the man in the photograph there is clearly wearing one of your company’s tops; is this the demographic you’re after at Champion, the hold-up bandit?

LENORE: Shaun, we at Champion can’t control what people do in our clothing—

SHAUN: Really?

LENORE: No really, we can’t.

SHAUN: Can you control what they do in anyone’s clothing?

LENORE: No, we can’t.

SHAUN: So, you’re saying the Champion clothing company cannot control people.

LENORE: No, and we strongly deny any suggestion that we can.

SHAUN: Are you unhappy about your brand name being seen in this situation?

LENORE: Of course we are, there’s no benefit in this for us. We obviously don’t approve of what he’s doing in our Double Dry premium fleece quarter-zip men’s sweatshirt, but I can only presume he’s chosen to wear it because Champion long-sleeve tops are all super comfortable, which is important in a high-stress situation like a hold-up, but they’re still stylish and the tailored cut lends an authority which would also persuade his victims to be more co-operative.

SHAUN: But that might make them too scared to try to get out of this sort of scenario, which might ultimately lead to them being attacked.

LENORE: I don’t think our exciting new range of long-sleeve tops do that, Shaun. When you look at the micro-fleece full zip, the quarter-zip men’s hoodie, the crewneck sweatshirt – you can’t blame them.

SHAUN: So there’s no upside out of this for Champion?

LENORE: No, and it certainly doesn’t help us that he’s also chosen to commit this crime while wearing a pair of our Double Dry Closed-Bottom men’s sweatpants …

SHAUN: Closed-bottom.

LENORE: Yes, the closed-bottom is a smart choice because the last thing you want to worry about when you’re running from the scene of a violent crime is tripping over a loose flapping trouser leg and the Champion Closed-Bottom certainly affords the desperate offender that peace of mind.

SHAUN: The shop assistant might be advised to have a closed-bottom in this circumstance too.

LENORE: I think they’re great for everyone, no matter which side of the law you’re on, Shaun.

SHAUN: Yeah okay, well, Lenore Crimp, thanks for your time.

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