Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Sausages by Tom Holt

Author:Tom Holt [Holt, Tom]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: Humorous, Fantasy, Fiction, Contemporary, General
ISBN: 9780316080026
Publisher: ORBIT
Published: 2011-02-20T23:00:00+00:00

Don was staring at the miniature screen. “You know what,” he said. “I think we’ve just stumbled across a whole bloody industry. It’s like finding one of those lost cities in the jungle.”

Polly took the phone from him. “By the addresses,” she said, “I reckon over half of these are in America.” She frowned. “Germany, Australia, Japan, India. Not many round here, by the looks of it. Hang on, I’ll refine the search.” She tapped in “London.” “That’s more like it,” she said. “That just leaves five.”

“Five,” Don repeated in a haunted voice. “Which means there’s enough work in the magic business to keep at least five people full-time employed. That’s—”

“How about this one?” Polly said. “‘S. Gogerty, freelance commercial thaumaturgical consultant,’ followed by a double helping of alphabet soup – FBASM, FRIW, all that stuff. Looks pretty impressive, don’t you think?”

Don peered over her shoulder then shrugged. “Let’s have a look,” he said in a bewildered voice.

A rather plain website, austere even. Name, an expanded version of the list of meaningless qualifications, contact details, areas of expertise (temporal phase shift anomaly resolution, dimensional variance management, matter/energy disparity transposition – what the hell was all that about?), a brief CV, a tariff of charges.

“Better take a look at that,” Don said.

A table of figures came up on the screen. They both stared at it for a moment. Then Don gave a low whistle.

“And I thought lawyers were expensive,” Polly said.

“That’s an awful lot of noughts chasing one lonely integer,” Don agreed. “Hardly seems fair.”

Polly looked at him. “We can’t afford him,” she said.

Don thought for a moment. “We’ll have to,” he said. “I mean, just look at all this stuff. I haven’t got the faintest idea what any of it means, but you can tell just by glancing at it. It’s complicated. Difficult. Technical. ‘High-energy metamorphic resonance modulation,’ for crying out loud. I have an idea that’s the sort of thing you’re not recommended to try at home with a Ouija board and a set of box spanners. Even if we knew where to start, we could do serious damage blundering about trying to DIY it. Worse,” he added quietly, “than I’ve done already. And that’s saying something.”

Polly conceded the point with a slight nod. “I suppose people who do this stuff all the time have insurance to cover the costs,” she said. “Wish we did.”

“To hell with it,” Don said. “I’m going to call him.”

Polly wavered, then said, “All right. But no small talk, right? Nice-weather-we’ve-been-having-lately looks like it’d cost me a month’s salary.”

Don jotted down the phone number on the back of his cuff, then logged off the Net and pecked it in.

Ring ring, then “You have reached Stanley Gogerty. I’m afraid I can’t take your call right now –”

“Sod it,” Don snarled.

“– but if you’d care to leave your name, species and number, I’ll get back to you as soon as—”

“Species,” Polly repeated. “I do so hope that’s supposed to be a joke.”

Don recorded a brief message, then rang off.

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