Laughing at Shadows by unknow

Author:unknow
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: anthology, horror, humor, short stories
ISBN: 9780996038188
Publisher: Bad Dream Entertainment
Published: 2020-03-02T08:00:00+00:00

Jahn scurried back to the other end of the stockroom, Chester shuffling along behind. The tip of his nose was burning and the hole in his head was raw and throbbing. He was also starting to see rotten patches and loose skin on his arms.

You’re going to have to try again.

“Oh, God, not you again,” Jahn said. “There’s no way she’s going to kiss us.”

Then you’re just going to have to try something else.

“I don’t know what to do. Chester, are you hearing this?”

“Are you referring to our intracranial narrator? We were just discussing how much Erma looks like musician Tom Petty, only older and a woman.”

Your friend hears his own voice unless you’re physically touching. Why don’t you hold his hand so your voices are in sync?

“Oh, come on. I’m not going to—”

Jahn doubled over as an electric jolt of pain shot through him.

“Okay, fine,” he said and slapped his hand into Chester’s chubby, sweaty, small-fingered mitt.

Can you both hear us?

“Yeah.”

“Yes.”

Fine. Now you’ll have to try again to get us into your colleague. If we can’t enter through her saliva, you’ll have to use one of her other bodily fluids.

“If she won’t kiss us, she definitely won’t bone us,” Jahn said.

If you were to bite her, we could enter through the blood stream.

“Bite her?” Chester said. “She’ll kill us!”

“We’re going to die anyway.”

“What?”

We haven’t told him yet.

“Hey, I heard that!”

Yes, sorry, Chester, but I’m afraid we are a fatal condition. Your body will start to decay soon.

“Mine already is,” Jahn said. He pushed at an ash-colored patch on his forearm. The dead skin peeled off like a sunburn, revealing the rotten gray flesh beneath. “Oh, God. Let’s just get this over with.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m rather in shock right now! I’ve just learned of my own imminent mortality.”

“I’m finding it better not to think about it,” Jahn said, dragging slack-jawed Chester by his hand.

They returned to the aisle where Erma was swatting boxes lazily with her duster. She looked up at Jahn and Chester holding hands and smiled. “Well, aren’t we cute.”

“We want to tell you a secret,” Jahn said.

Erma raised her hands. “Hey, don’t ask, don’t tell. That’s my policy.”

“I assure you,” Chester said, “it’s an urgent matter.”

They walked hand in hand toward her. When they were close, Jahn leaned in, Erma’s expression of disgust growing as he closed in. When his lips were right next to her ear, he said, “Okay, the secret is…” and bit down hard on her cheek, getting a mouthful of leathery, fuzzy skin between his teeth.

“Ah!” Erma screeched. “You stupid cocksnuggling shitbiscuits!”

She twisted to the side, Jahn spinning around her, his teeth gripping her cheek-meat but not breaking the skin. The two of them stumbled down the aisle, slamming into the second-floor railing, nearly tumbling over the side. Jahn opened his jaw, freeing Erma’s face. He looked over the edge to the concrete floor twelve feet below. “Man,” he said, “that was close.”

Erma lunged at him, hitting him in the chest, sending

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