Jokes Every Man Should Know by Don Steinberg

Author:Don Steinberg [Steinberg, Don]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: Humour
ISBN: 9781594742286
Publisher: Quirk Books
Published: 2008-02-01T00:00:00+00:00

A guy is in the grocery store when a pretty woman smiles at him and says hello. He’s taken aback and can’t place her.

“Do I know you?” he asks.

“I think you’re the father of one of my kids,” she says.

He racks his brain to think of how that could be. Then he remembers the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

“Wow,” he says. “Are you the stripper from my bachelor party, who tied me down on the pool table, and did it with me, with all my buddies cheering, while your friend sprayed whipped cream on my butt? Boy, that was insane.”

“No,” she says. “I think I’m your son’s math teacher.”

A guy has a parrot with a bad attitude and a profane vocabulary. Every other word the bird says is obscene. He tries hard to change the bird’s attitude. He says polite words, plays soft music, does anything to set a good example. Nothing works. He yells at the bird, and the cussing gets worse. He shakes the bird, and it gets angrier and ruder.

Finally, in desperation, he opens up the freezer and throws the parrot inside. For a few moments there is squawking, kicking, and screaming—and then silence.

After a few minutes, the man is afraid that he’s accidentally killed the parrot. So he opens up the freezer.

The parrot flies out onto his arm and says: “I’m sorry that I might have offended you with my language, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior.”

“It’s okay,” the man says. “I forgive you.”

“Thank you,” the parrot says. “Now may I ask what the chicken did?”

A guy in a bar says to the bartender, “I’ll bet you two hundred dollars that you can put a shot glass on the bar, and I’ll step back three feet, and piss into the glass—and not one drop will get anywhere else but in the glass.”

The bartender says, “That’s crazy. Nobody can do that. I’ll take that bet.”

So the bartender sets up the shot glass, and the guy steps back and unzips his pants and starts peeing. It barely hits the glass, goes all over the bar, all over the floor.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “Ha! Give me the two hundred bucks.”

The guy says, “Okay, hang on.”

He goes to the back of the bar where an old man gives him a pile of cash, then he comes back and pays the bartender.

The bartender asks, “What was that all about?”

The guy says: “I’d bet that old man five hundred dollars that I could piss all over your bar and you’d laugh.”

Cultural Touchstone Alert!

In the 1995 movie Desperado, written and directed by Robert Rodriguez, the wise-guy character played by Quentin

Tarantino tells this old joke to a bartender, played by Cheech Marin. Cheech pulls out a gun and shoots the guy next to Tarantino.

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