Jaffle Inc by Heide Goody & Iain Grant

Author:Heide Goody & Iain Grant [Goody, Heide & Grant, Iain]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Humour, Satire, Science Fiction, comedy, Corporate, Humor, social media
ISBN: 0993365531
Publisher: Pigeon Park Press
Published: 2019-09-14T04:00:00+00:00

JAFFLE TECH’S

ANNUAL BENEVOLENCE GALA AND CHARITY AUCTION

IN AID OF THE

INTERNATIONAL FEDERATION FOR THE PROTECTION OF THE ANIMALS

15th JUNE

“Is this an actual ticket?” I asked.

“It is an actual ticket.”

“How did you know I wanted to go?”

“I pulled a few strings to get hold of it after you mentioned how important it was to you.”

“Did I?”

“After your fourth glass of sherry.”

“Oh, right.” I said. “Was I … inebriated?”

“Inebriated? You were three sheets to the wind, O valued tenant.”

I marvelled at the ticket, felt its textured thickness under my thumb. “Wow. Thank you. You’ve no idea how much this means to me.”

“Oh, you were incoherently eloquent about it last night,” he said. “And now, Cinderella, you shall go to the ball!”

“Who’s Cinderella?”

It didn’t matter. I had a ticket to the charity gala, access to Rufus Jaffle, a chance to get answers to this chaotic mess my life had become and Operation Sunrise. I felt tears prick the corners of my ears in sheer gratitude at what Helberg had just done for me.

“Tears of joy?” said Helberg, hopefully.

I nodded and sniffed and attempted a smile before shaking my head. “There’s a very real chance I’ll get busted tomorrow for having more brain power than I’m supposed to.”

“Busted? How do you mean?” he asked.

“I’ve been avoiding a brain scan they insist on doing. I really need to present myself tomorrow and they’re bound to spot what’s going on. They’ll reverse it, I’m sure. I don’t think I can bear to go back to how I was. I certainly won’t be going to any gala.”

Helberg stared at me with a heavy sigh. “The tragic thing is if you did go back to how you were, you probably wouldn’t even mind. You’d sit and watch Smiley Time and be happy with it.”

With a chill I realised he was right. “No. That’s not right.”

“No, it is not. These brain scans, they must be a fairly standard report, right?”

I nodded. We dealt with them quite often. “Yes, there’s a capacity report, an activity report, an analysis of any serious failings, downtime or anomalies, that sort of thing.”

“Why not create a fake one?”

I thought for a moment. I could certainly rustle up some convincing content. “There’s one bit I couldn’t make up,” I said. “It needs to show a reading from the metrics chip on the Jaffle Port. If it’s not in line with previous readings, it will flag an error straightaway.”

“So get a previous reading.”

“Those are encrypted in storage, I can’t get to them without alerting the system.”

“Well,” he said slowly, “there is another possibility.”

I didn’t like the look on his face. “What?”

“I can hack your port, just to get a reading.”

“Oh no. Definitely no. Absolutely not!” It was a terrible idea.

He held up his hands. “Fine. If it makes you uncomfortable. Take your chances the scan at work will miss the massive upgrade you have somehow accidentally acquired.”

“No, it’s not that it makes me uncomfortable.” It made me very uncomfortable. “But look what happened the last time I meddled with the system.

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