Is It Just Me? by Miranda Hart

Author:Miranda Hart [Hart, Miranda]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: Humor, Azizex666, General
ISBN: 9781444734140
Google: u6pza0vqpC0C
Amazon: 1444734148
Goodreads: 15733346
Publisher: Hodder & Stoughton
Published: 2012-10-11T04:00:00+00:00

By the time I actually get to see the doctor, I’m usually a bundle of nerves. And when I’m in any way nervous, I have a tendency to attempt what I call ‘awkward hokey banter’. This tendency worsens if the doctor is male.

Oh no, are we still awkward with doctors?

Afraid so. I shall demonstrate to My Dear Reader Chum with a short scene, and just hope that perhaps at least one of you understands this doctor plight:

Miranda (any age, because we really haven’t changed AT ALL in this regard) enters the doctor’s room.

MIRANDA

Good morrow, good Sir Doctor!

(Already? – WHY?)

DOCTOR

Come in. Sit down.

MIRANDA

Thanking you muchly, a very hearty thank you to you. (Laughs a silly laugh.)

DOCTOR

What seems to be the problem?

MIRANDA

I think I might have ’flu. I know I’m not meant to be here under these circumstances, but please don’t kill me. Not that you would kill me because you’re a doctor and you save lives; you don’t kill. Do you see? (Unnecessarily long burst of laughter, especially given that her joke wasn’t that funny.) No, what I mean is, please don’t tell me off. Although I bet you’re quite sexy when you get firm? Doctor Firmy.

DOCTOR

Sorry?

MIRANDA

Nothing. Nothing at all. Just apologising for being here with possible ’flu, when that’s ever so naughty. What a naughty girl I am. Spank me.

DOCTOR

What?

MIRANDA

What? Didn’t say anything. Someone outside said something about spanking – people are weird, aren’t they? Aren’t people weird?

DOCTOR

Right, let’s have a look at you.

MIRANDA

Well, here I am! So look until your heart’s content, good Herr Doctor. (Giggles, tips head to one side, bites lip – it’s all gone a bit Marilyn Monroe.) We might be here some time . . . (Flirty laugh.)

The doctor sighs, and very un-erotically shines a light in MIRANDA’s ear.

MIRANDA

Ooh, that feels funny. Can you see my brain? It’s very big. Ha ha ha! And you know what they say about people with big brains? BIG BOOBS! Shush Miranda. Shush now.

DOCTOR

Lift your top, please: I’ll need to take a look at your chest.

MIRANDA

Righty-ho. That’s jolly good and fine. Of course. (Lifts top, peers down.) Oh sorry, I am wearing my ‘day bra’. I don’t usually wear a beige-coloured bra. Actually, they call it ‘nude’, don’t they, this colour? Well, I don’t normally wear a nude bra. It’s usually black and a bit frilly because, well, that’s me! Not that I’m black, as you can see, but I certainly am frilly. Frilly Hart, they call me. This nude bra’s just an everyday ‘I am not feeling well’ kind of bra. Mind you, better to wear a nude bra than be in the nude. Good word, isn’t it, ‘nude’? Nuuude. Nuuuuuude.

The doctor looks scared, and hands MIRANDA a prescription. She runs out.

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