I'm F*cking Amazing by Anoushka Warden

Author:Anoushka Warden [Warden, Anoushka]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781398714120
Publisher: Orion
Published: 2024-03-20T16:00:00+00:00

Loving X

At first I hadn’t minded at all; it suited me. I didn’t want things to move fast and I had liked that X had proper commitments elsewhere. Plus, it was such a relief to have no pressure on me about the future and children. Before meeting X, even though I hadn’t managed to try out Tinder, I had been on two other set-up dates with two guys who had been around my age, and it was clear that children were in their life plan and marriage too. It made me feel immediately stressed. I couldn’t give them those things, so no point in seeing them again. X posed no such threat; I guess that’s why it all happened so easily with him – there was no pressure at all; it felt simple.

But now that we were In Love I didn’t want him to continue living with his ex. I hadn’t felt bothered about her existence at all before, but post-Love I had started to get a bit jealous about him living with another woman. I didn’t want to live with him either, I just wanted him to a) not live with her, and b) have a place of his own that I could visit when I liked, as even though I now loved X, I still wanted to keep us a private thing until it became clearer what it was. I didn’t want Sophie to know, and I definitely didn’t want Three to know. Therefore, X needed a flat, somewhere we could cook and have baths and naked dances.

I had never sat in a bath with anyone I had romantic feelings for before meeting him. I’ve always enjoyed solo baths and on average would have two a week, but being in one with him and with alcohol was amazing! We’d have Prosecco and long talks and then normally some kind of awkward bath sex. It was a great way to wash.

Back when we did the I Love You exchange, before the pissy blow job, I told him it would be hard to progress if he remained living with his ex, and he agreed and said it was time for them to make their separation more official – i.e., tell the children and their parents, and live separately. He and his ex had been together 13 years, and although they didn’t argue and genuinely liked one another, there was only platonic friendship there now. I could totally relate to that. We are all such a stupid, thick bunch, bumbling along in whatever not-quite-right versions of relationships the long years have created. If I had wanted children, their situation could have easily ended up being mine and Three’s.

That night after the Love exchange, I told X I had cheated on Three – words I hadn’t even let myself say out loud before. Told him what I had created to cope: the drugs and the Creepy Nick Method. I went through all the men. Even the ones I couldn’t tell you about

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