I Rant Therefore I Am by I Rant Therefore I Am

Author:I Rant Therefore I Am [Am, I Rant Therefore I]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2011-04-21T23:07:59+00:00

The Oscars

As originally aired on 3/19/99

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but I'm glad the Oscars are on Sunday this year. That means that no one will see my mortifying guest appearance as Rusty, the web -footed short order cook who's lost his faith, along with the use of his right hand—ironically, the one appendage on his body that was not webbed—in a horrible grill mishap on "Seventh Heaven."

Of course, I'm not in the running for an Oscar this year, because I didn't appear in any movies. Roberto, Tom, Sir Ian, Edward, Nick ... you're welcome.

Oh, the Oscars, more fun than a barrel of Benignis. I can't wait to watch the preshow and see Joan and Melissa treat best actress nominee Fernanda Montenegro like she's their upstairs maid.

And what are the Academy Awards without Oscar parties. Hey, here's a cool thing to do at an Oscar party.

Whenever the camera cuts to Nicholson in the audience, just scream out, "Fucking Jack ..." And then take an ice pick six, maybe eight inches long and plunge it straight into your right temple.

Now, it can be difficult to keep in mind that these awards are about the art of filmmaking when so much attention is paid to the glitz and glamour—you know, the limos, the red carpet, the stunning fashions, the bottomless pots of franks and beans ... I, well, I'm just guessing what it must be like.

Of course, there is a controversy brewing at this year's event. The Lifetime Achievement Award honoring director Elia Kazan. For too long I have remained silent on the controversy surrounding Kazan.

That's because I wanted to wait till he was pushing ninety and make sure he was way too old to be hiring actors. And now that he's on his way out and there's no chance of him ever using me in a film, I'd like to say he's a traitorous, no-good stoolie. Unless, of course, he gets hot again, in which case, he's a timeless visionary.

You know, if there's any justice in the universe, when Kazan accepts his award, he'll have trouble remembering the names of those he wants to thank.

If this year's Oscars had a theme, I would have to say it's history. Three of the best picture nominees were about World War II and the other two were about the Elizabethan era. Quite frankly, I'm amazed that pictures with serious historical content do so well in this country, where people will stand in the freezing rain for four hours to shake hands with A1 Roker.

As far as I can tell, Elizabeth is about some chick who's kind of nice-looking, then she becomes Queen of England and gets all ugly and bald.

I think Shakespeare in Love will win a lot of Oscars this year. It has everything the Academy looks for. Intelligence, costumes, humor, good acting, and nudity. You see, the Academy is mostly comprised of older people who aren't getting laid. They want to go to the movies under

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