I Laugh Me Broken by Bridget van der Zijpp

Author:Bridget van der Zijpp
Format: epub

It was only when we were back on the pavement in Berlin, exactly where we had started, that Boz began the negotiation that would ruin the day.

‘What shall we do now?’ he asked.

‘I’m tired. And I need to think. I’m going to head home.’ ‘Can I come with you?’ he asked with a humble, hapless smile.

I said I didn’t think it was a good idea. This was a little disingenuous. I hadn’t mentioned the across-the-ocean, technically-still-engaged-to reason why. And I didn’t mention that I didn’t quite trust my current attraction towards him, that I had my reasons for feeling in a generally self-destructive mode, and that I wasn’t sure I had the power to resist him if he made a move.

Boz’s tone was soft. ‘But I just want to be with you. I don’t want to do anything. To be with you is enough.’

I knew this probably wasn’t completely accurate, but the way he said it made me consider the simplicity of acquiescing. Right then I wanted his desire for me. He saw my hesitation and was emboldened to press further.

‘Please, I just want to lie on a bed with you and hold you.’

I said again that I didn’t think it was a good idea, and at that point it was still because I knew if I was lying on a bed with him the inevitable would definitely happen. But then he became more emphatic:

‘But you let me hold your hand.’

‘Wasn’t it in friendship?’

‘And I have spent the whole day with you.’

‘But you asked to come.’

‘Why do you think that was?’

All of a sudden there was a turn in his expression. He had taken on a focused intent, becoming a man who had no patience for anything like natural progression; he wanted his wants returned. And right now. On he went, implying that this was something he needed, that I had indicated to him that I needed it too, that he couldn’t take no for an answer, that the adventure could end no other way.

Had he considered the whole day only to be a prelude? It all began to feel so disappointing that I said, ‘This doesn’t feel right,’ and turned abruptly and walked away. I couldn’t think of any other way to end the discussion.

By the time I got back to the apartment I was feeling shaky and fragile, but also considering how to reframe the slippery thing that had happened. His desire for intimacy was rich and strong, possibly fired by loneliness and some degree of disaffection. And a large part of my being had wanted to say yes to him. Had I made that so obvious that it was available to his argument? All day I had tried to show him some front of myself, and perhaps that could be called flirtation. And I had held on to his hand. And I had let him sleep on my shoulder. And I had not mentioned Jay. And I knew that the thing, the uncertain future nestled in my cells, gave me a slightly unsteady, incautious edge that he may have picked up on.

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