I Kid You Not! by Lesley Crewe

Author:Lesley Crewe
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781774710739
Publisher: Nimbus
Published: 2022-11-22T12:49:59+00:00

P.S. Gave up and paid $47 for the Quebec government to send me another one. You watch. I’ll find the original tomorrow.

The Heat!!!

Now I remember why I don’t live in the Gobi Desert. Or Arizona. Or Saudi Arabia.

Because I melt in the heat. I’ve been happily living in Cape Breton for most of my life, smug in the knowledge that we have some lovely days, but for the most part, we’re used to foggy, misty, damp, cool days that are accompanied by ocean breezes, chilly nights, and average temperatures. A blazing hot day is an anomaly. We can endure it, because we know in six hours a hurricane will blow through or a snowstorm will descend.

But weeks of hot, sunny weather is turning me into a person I don’t want to know. I whine constantly, and drip. My hair is always wet underneath after the least effort. Having three showers a day is not unheard of.

People who worship the sun must be having a field day, and I’m happy for parents who can get their kids to the beach and create lovely memories, but at this time of my life, I’m like my elderly cat. He’s flaked out under the kitchen table on his back, trying to catch his breath from the slight breeze coming in through the crack in the bottom of the screen door. I’m lying with him, hoping no one pops in for a visit.

When you walk around in a lather of sweat, you suddenly become acutely aware of all the places on your body where skin meets skin. Sticking to yourself is very uncomfortable, and now that talcum powder causes cancer, according to screaming court cases, I’m very loath to dust myself, as tempting as it is.

Stupidly, eight years ago, I made the mistake of renovating our kitchen. In the process, I was determined to take down the two ugly light fixtures with fans attached, for a more stylish design without fans. Hubby has never forgotten this travesty, and any time I mention how hot I am while I boil potatoes, I know what’s coming.

“You got rid of the fans.”

I point my potato masher at him. “No! You want mashed potatoes!”

“If we had a fan, you wouldn’t be so hot, so it’s your fault. You took down those perfectly good fans and now you’re suffering.”

Technically, he’s right, but bringing it up constantly is a dangerous thing to do.

Hot weather curtails activities in our house.

“Let’s go to a movie.”

“On a day like this? Are you crazy?”

“But it might be nice to sit in a darkened, air-conditioned area for a couple of hours.”

“Never!” hubby declares. “It’s against the law to go to the movies on a hot day.”

“Is it also against the law to go to a nice restaurant?”

“That’s even worse! You can’t eat out when you can barbeque at home in the blazing heat!”

Nothing out of the ordinary can be done on a nice day. You need to be outside. This is a throwback to our

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