I Am an Executioner by Rajesh Parameswaran

Author:Rajesh Parameswaran [Parameswaran, Rajesh]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: Romance, Contemporary
ISBN: 9781408817766
Publisher: Bloomsbury Publishing PLC
Published: 2012-01-01T05:00:00+00:00

2. RELATIONSHIP WITH [J]

[J] would be awake typically, waiting up for me, when I arrived home. We would talk, of course—I was usually exhausted, but I would make the effort. I wasn’t used to coming home so late, but it happens on some cases and we tried to make the best of it. We might open a bottle of wine and share stories about our day. Rather, he would tell me stories from his day and he would ask me about mine. And I would tell him stories, too, but, of course, I was careful that he could not—based on my stories—come to a real sense of what I had done. I have a cover, devised with the guidance of the Agency. My cover is that I work as [redacted]. Which of course I actually sort of do, when I am not on assignment. [J] also certainly understood—he understands, that is—I have a job that I can’t talk about. He knows the general nature of the job, but not the specifics. He knows it can be taxing. My classification is Red; it is not White. Therefore I am permitted to give certain limited details to my spouse. If he were to press me on any detail—which he knows better than to do—but if he did, I would know exactly what to say. I’ve been well trained. I am mindful of my training.

[J] believes my cover. Or rather, he believes and he does not believe. Meaning, he knows I have assignments that I cannot discuss; and that sometimes, therefore, what I’m telling him about my day and my activities is just a story. That’s for his protection, for my protection, for the integrity of the investigation, for the integrity of the Agency, and ultimately for the security of the City. He knows exactly as much as the Agency has permitted me to tell him.

To elaborate further on this salient point: When I tell [J] about my day, or about what happened in my life as a so-called [redacted], he believes and he does not believe. Like when you are reading a book or watching a movie, perhaps. He suspends disbelief: that’s the phrase. He’s tacitly participating in the fiction. But, unlike a movie, he doesn’t know where the story ends and the real things begin. He trusts me to make those edges seamless. I would say that requires a lot of trust on his part. I admire that about him. It certainly makes things easier for me.

I wouldn’t say I was lying to him, no, because he has agreed to it; he understands what’s going on. Even if sometimes he might forget that he understands. Maybe you could say he doesn’t know how much to believe, so he simply believes all of it.

Sometimes, when I’d traveled for an assignment, or I was on a particularly stressful investigation, I had a kind of game. [J] would say, “So what did you do today?” And I would say something as bland as possible,

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