Humbitious by Amer Kaissi
Author:Amer Kaissi [Kaissi, Amer]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Amer Kaissi
Published: 2022-01-10T00:00:00+00:00
âIâm Sorry about the Rainâ
Imagine this experiment: Complete strangers are brought into a research laboratory and divided into pairs. Each pair is assigned to a separate room and tasked with asking each other specific questions for forty-five minutes. Now, imagine two different scenarios. In the first, the people in each room discuss superficial, small-talk types of questions such as âWhat is your favorite holiday?â and âWhat is your favorite TV show?â In the second scenario, the pairs have to address a set of questions known as âthe thirty-six questions of loveâ: these are deep questions that force the individuals to show vulnerability to each other. Examples of these heavy questions include, âWhat is the role of love in your life?â âWhen was the last time you cried in front of someone else?â and âOf all the people in your family, whose death would you find the most disturbing?â
The researchers discovered that participants who were in the second scenario formed much deeper bonds with each other than those in the first. In fact, many developed long-lasting friendships, and even romantic relationships in a few cases. Astonishingly, when asked to rate the closeness of the bonds they formed with their partners, some participants in the second scenario judged it to be at the level of the bonds they have with the closest person in their lives. What this research tells us is that sharing vulnerability, even for forty-five minutes, can help people develop unusually deep connections with each other. That is why vulnerability is imperative for you if you are serious about forming close relations with your team members.
One of the tools that my colleagues at MEDI and I use when we are coaching a newly formed team is the Lifeline activity. At a team kick-off meeting, every member gets a sheet of flip chart paper. We then ask them to plot five significant personal and professional life events that brought them to this point of their career as leaders. It is amazing to observe how a group of people who barely knew each other at the beginning of the meeting can become so close after some vulnerability is shared. When people share important events from their childhoods (such as growing up as an orphan) or from their adult lives (such as losing a spouse), they express a rare vulnerability that is usually reciprocated by others and that plants the seeds for trust and deep connections.
In a study conducted in schools in New Zealand, educational leaders were asked to identify an existing concern they had with a team member. When prompted, they identified what their own contribution to the concern was. For example, some said that they hadnât done anything to resolve the complaint; that they acted in ways that were not sufficient to resolve it; or that they did not clearly communicate their concern to the other person. The leaders were then asked to audio-record a conversation about their concern with the same team member who was the subject of their concern.
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