How to Know Everything by Elke Wiss

Author:Elke Wiss [Wiss, Elke]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781473591455
Publisher: Random House
Published: 2020-12-17T00:00:00+00:00

ENDURING IRRITATION

People aren’t always in the mood to be questioned about the views they express. Training your Socratic attitude usually involves not reacting in the way people expect you to. You don’t chat along pleasantly, you don’t offer advice, you don’t necessarily respond empathically with familiar affirmations. This can sometimes prompt an irritated response. And that’s okay. There’s no traction without friction, right? When irritation arises, it’s often because you’ve asked a question that’s got someone thinking. Or you’ve made a good point. At times it means you have to swallow hard and brace yourself. The other person can very easily take their irritation out on you.

I remember adopting a Socratic attitude in a conversation with my mum and prompting just such an irritated outburst. I’d gone to Mexico on holiday and didn’t call to let her know I’d arrived safely. Mother was not best pleased.

‘It’s only right that a child should call their parents when they go on holiday!’ she insisted.

I sat there in full-on Socratic mode: instead of responding empathically, I was curious as to where this value judgement of hers was coming from. Without trying to defend myself, I genuinely wondered if it was true that ‘It’s only right that a child should call their parents when they go on holiday.’ I asked what was making her angry, about the ideas behind her assumption, the whys and wherefores of this filial duty. My calm response must have triggered even more annoyance, because after a while she burst out in exasperation, ‘Can’t you just have a normal conversation?’

I responded – surprise, surprise – with a question. What did she understand by the term ‘normal conversation’?

‘You know … normal! With emotions and stuff!’

This exchange taught me two things:

1.People often qualify a conversation as ‘normal’ when emotions are expressed. But it’s worth asking whether that’s really the case, and whether those emotions actually help you in your conversation.

2.If someone expects or needs empathy and doesn’t get it, this often results in disappointment and frustration. So you always have the option of responding with empathy and understanding to start with, and then transitioning into a more Socratic dialogue by asking questions. If you decide not to do that and stick to asking questions in a spirit of curiosity and wonder, then you have no choice but to accept the other person’s irritation for what it is: part of the process and not to be taken personally.

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