How to Argue with a Cat by Jay Heinrichs

Author:Jay Heinrichs
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781846149580
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd
Published: 2017-10-21T04:00:00+00:00

CAT WISDOM

Virtue lies in steady habits.

Sleep, eat and do everything else regularly, at the exact same time each day. Habits are what make cats so virtuous.

6. Argue Logically: The Deductive Mousetrap

Get a cat to come

‘When Rome burned, the emperor’s cats still expected to be fed on time.’

Seanan McGuire

Of course you can never make a cat come. It comes when it wants to. Dog lovers often point this out. They think cats are self-centred and egotistical. This attitude gets cats all wrong. Being reasonable creatures, cats need a reason. They come when it’s an obviously good idea.

One excellent reason is food. Call a cat during mealtime and she will trot right over. She may run to the kitchen even when you call her before mealtime.

See? Told you cats come. Just not always the way you wish they would.

A comfortable scratch is another reason to come. Most cats like to be scratched and, having an excellent vocabulary, will come when you offer a scratch.

A favourite toy: also a good reason.

Catnip: duh.

Lap: also obvious.

Now, if you fail to come up with a good reason, a cat will reasonably ask, ‘Why should I?’ To a dog lover, this question may sound rude. Dogs are creatures of the mine-is-not-to-reason-why point of view. But if you listen closely to a cat during the day, you will realize that he often asks you to come. Yet how often do you obey? A wise cat – and most cats are very wise – will not resent you when you fail to do so. He understands that he needs to offer a better reason. So he changes his tone, calling more loudly and insistently until the reason to come is to stop the yowling. Or he looks at you with giant Bambi eyes and just opens his mouth. Most humans obey the Silent Meow instantly. They’re kind of stupid that way.

Humans don’t always come when a human calls, either.

Boyfriend: Come over.

Girlfriend: Now?

Boyfriend: Yeah.

Girlfriend: Why?

Boyfriend: Do you need a reason?

Girlfriend: Yeah.

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