Has Anyone Seen My Pants? by Sarah Colonna

Author:Sarah Colonna [Colonna, Sarah]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Biography & Autobiography, Entertainment & Performing Arts, Essays, Humor, Nonfiction, Personal Memoirs, Retail
ISBN: 9781476771922
Google: b7ydBAAAQBAJ
Barnesnoble:
Publisher: Gallery Books
Published: 2015-03-31T04:00:00+00:00

Blind-Drunk Date

After I took a pretty long hiatus from dating, one of my friends, Renee, suggested I go out with one of her boyfriend’s coworkers. His name was Mike—he and I had actually gone out a couple of times a few years prior, during one of the “breaks” Ryan and I took before moving in together. I kind of wondered, now that I was single, what Mike was up to, but I never bothered to text him or anything, just assuming he had a girlfriend by now. Plus, that whole “recycle” thing hadn’t really worked out for me last time. But Mike was cute, had a good job and a nice house, and he liked to cook. I’m reasonably good-looking, have a good job, enjoy nice houses, and love to eat. Why not give this a shot?

Renee suggested that before committing to another date with Mike—she reminded me that the first time we tried to date, he got a little weird about my not having enough free time for him—I should go with her to his birthday party at his house.

“This way, there are a bunch of other people around, including me, so if you aren’t feeling interested in him anymore, we can just leave early and you’ll save yourself a Friday night down the road,” she explained.

“Good call,” I agreed. “I forget, how old is he? It’s probably like his forty-fi—”

“It’s his fiftieth,” she interrupted.

“Fiftieth? Oh . . .”

“What, is that too old? I mean, I know he’s older than the guys you usually date, but who cares?”

“No, it’s not too old,” I said, unsure if I meant it. Age doesn’t usually matter a ton to me, but fifty just sounded older than I was used to. But then I remembered that I’ve met a lot of childish fortysomething-year-olds, so maybe the only way to date a man who has his shit together is to date someone with more than a decade on me.

The night of the party, Renee, her boyfriend, and I all went out for pre-party cocktails. By the time we got to the party, Renee was pretty lit up, which is par for the course for her. She’s one of those people who likes to “test” strangers when she is out drinking. She has a tendency to go on the attack and if someone is able to spar with her and keep up, she deems them worthy of a conversation. However, if her loud, sometimes offensive antics annoy the person, Renee dubs them an asshole.

When I first met her, I sort of marveled at the way she had the balls to say anything, regardless of who might be insulted. Renee was a tough girl from Brooklyn and I was a not-so-tough girl from Arkansas. But the older we got, the more I realized that the people who were unamused by her weren’t the assholes. Not everyone goes to a bar wanting the person next to them to say things like, “So do you like to take it in the ass?” before they even ask you your name.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.