Happily Ever After by Gary Chapman

Author:Gary Chapman
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: RELIGION / Christian Life / Love & Marriage, FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Marriage
ISBN: 9781414369457
Publisher: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.
Published: 2011-11-30T16:00:00+00:00

4

Learning to Effectively Discipline Children

One of the most common areas of conflict between husbands and wives is how to discipline the children. “He’s too harsh,” the wife says. “She lets them get away with murder,” the husband responds. The conversation goes downhill from there, each accusing the other of being too lenient or too hard on the children. When a couple are continually having these kinds of arguments, it obviously has a detrimental effect on their marital relationship. Each parent has a genuine concern for the well-being of the children. However, their arguments leave them wounded and resentful.

If that sounds familiar, this chapter will help you and your spouse get on the same page with regard to effective discipline. The word discipline is not a negative word, nor is it to be equated with spanking or yelling at children. The word discipline means literally “to train.” Most parents recognize that children need training. Without positive discipline, children will self-destruct; they cannot train themselves.

The problem is that most parents have had little or no instruction in how to effectively train children. Therefore, they come to parenting with only the example of their own parents. If they perceive their parents as good parents, they will try to follow those models. If they perceive their parents as poor parents, they will try to do the opposite.

At any rate, their views of proper discipline will often bring them into conflict. For the sake of their marriage, they desperately need to get on the same page. For the sake of their child, they need to make sure they are on the right page. Children are greatly influenced by their parents. We want to make sure that the influence is positive.

To be good parents, we must understand the fundamentals of rearing children. The basics of child rearing are not difficult to understand, although they require the willingness to change negative patterns and consistently establish positive patterns.

Children Need to Feel Loved

The first fundamental in rearing children is that children need to feel loved by their mother and father. Children who do not feel loved and respected by their parents will grow up with many emotional struggles, and their behavior will reflect these emotional struggles. Most parents sincerely love their children, but thousands of children do not feel loved. The problem is that parents are not communicating love in a language that children can understand.

In my research, I have discovered there are five fundamental ways of expressing love. I call them the five love languages, which I discussed in part two, “Home Improvements.” Let me summarize them briefly in relation to parenting.

The first is Words of Affirmation—using words to communicate to a child how much you love him or her, expressing appreciation to the child when he/she does something worthy of commendation, and using words of encouragement when the child is fearful. Here are examples of Words of Affirmation: “I love you sooo much.” “I like your art. The way you blended the colors together makes it look exciting.

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