Goodbye Soldier by Spike Milligan

Author:Spike Milligan [Milligan, Spike]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 1986-09-25T22:00:00+00:00

We pass an ice-cream kiosk and buy four cornets, “Quattro gelati”. In a leisurely fashion we stroll, all immersed in licking our ice-creams like schoolkids.

In the chimpanzee cage, there are about a dozen specimens. We are witness to what Mulgrew finds hysterically-funny. A male chimp is trying to screw a female, but two other jealous males are trying to stop him by hitting him. The chimp continues banging away under a rain of blows. “My God,” says Mulgrew, “I hope I never want it that bad.” The two girls haven’t said anything but are convulsed with laughter, as are other spectators. They don’t write shows like that any more.

Would anyone like a ride on the Indian elephant? Yes, four of us climb up to the mounting platform and get into the wicker howdah. It seems to sway perilously as the beast moves off. The girls scream with enjoyment. The driver asks Johnny and me to extinguish our cigarettes. I suppose travelling on a non-smoking elephant was a first. The elephant waddles on a circular route; the driver calls out instructions. Mulgrew wants to know how an Indian elephant understands Italian.

“Sitting on an elephant makes you look taller, Mulgrew.”

He agrees, he must get one when he gets back to Scotland. He tells me his father once owned an elephant hunting dog. When people inquired how it killed an elephant, he said: “He waits.” What do you mean he waits, they asked. “Well,” he said, “they got to die sometimes.”

I took a few photographs. Alas, over the passage of time they all got lost, except these two of Mulgrew and Luciana, me and Toni.

“Ah ha,” says Mulgrew as we reach the boa constrictor cage. “Here’s a good present for mother-in-laws.” Toni shudders at the sight of the thirty-foot-long creature. “Just think,” says Mulgrew, “there’s thirty pairs of shoes there.” It’s feeding-time and the keeper releases a live white rabbit into the cage. Before the grisly meal starts, we move on – into the cool of the aquarium, with its light diffused through the fish tanks.

“I like this,” says Toni, putting her face close to the glass of the octopus cage. “Ah yes,” she realizes the meaning of the name, “eight leg, yes?” Yes, Toni. Really, it only needs two. The rest are spares, I suppose. We watch as the octopus changes colours – it’s a miracle, and those human eyes! The piranha are being fed! They attack the food like bullets from a gun. Several attack the same piece of food until it vanishes.

“Che barbaro,” says Luciana, putting her hand over her mouth.

In the carp tank, the keeper holds the food above the water line and they take from his hand – some hang on, and are lifted out of the water. “What a turn on,” says Mulgrew.

So, on through the afternoon. Towards evening we seek relief for aching feet at the restaurant. We sit outside. What would we all like? Cold drink? Yes yes yes, four lemonades please. No no no, Mulgrew wants a red wine.

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