From We to Me by Susan J. R.N. Zonnebelt-Smeenge

Author:Susan J. R.N. Zonnebelt-Smeenge
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Christian Living/Relationships, FAM015000, REL012100, SEL010000
ISBN: 9781441212313
Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
Published: 2010-06-24T00:00:00+00:00

5

in our own words

A Sequel to “The Second Time Around”

Each of the preceding chapters contained separate sections entitled “Words for the Widowed” and “Words for the Divorced” to specifically address the differences with both types of spousal loss. We are changing the format here to share our personal insights as authors who have gone through the experience of being widowed and then eventually dating, remarrying, and blending our families. Each of our adult children also contributed by responding to a set of questions about their experience of watching us date, fall in love, marry, and blend our families over the past thirteen years. While this is our personal story, and your story may differ significantly from ours, we hope you will be able to glean some help and support from our experiences.

Through Our Eyes as Widowed

Susan’s Perspective on Beginning Again

“Rick, my first husband, died after eighteen years of struggling with a malignant brain tumor. While processing the reality of his predicted death over those years, we talked about many difficult things. He frequently told me to remarry after he died. I was repulsed at the thought. We had a very good marriage, and I didn’t like the idea of perhaps contaminating my memories with a negative experience with someone else. After he died, and as I journeyed through my grief, the idea of having another marital relationship remained nauseating for quite some time. I didn’t believe remarriage would be an option even if I changed my mind because, as several people didn’t hesitate to tell me, my expectations of what a marital partner would need to be were far too idealistic. However, once I finished grieving, I began to think more positively about dating, but I determined I would never ‘settle’ for another partner. If I were to remarry, that person would have to meet all my criteria. I had previously written a list of the qualities and characteristics I would require in another person, and what I could not tolerate if I were to consider remarriage. Before beginning to attend singles’ activities, I talked with my daughter, parents, and former in-laws to let them know I was feeling open and ready to date if that opportunity ever presented itself.”

Bob’s Perspective on Beginning Again

“I don’t think I ever decided to date. Actually, before Susan and I met, I had no desire to date and had turned down several social invitations that looked like a date to me. Char and I had a good marriage. Like Rick did for Susan, Char had encouraged me to date and possibly marry again. But the thought of getting into another relationship was totally unappealing even after working through my grief. I couldn’t imagine doing better the second time around. Besides, I had gotten to the point of enjoying and appreciating the flexibility that being single allowed. So when Susan and I met, I had no intention of moving into a romantic relationship. I was excited about our interest to write a book together, compiling our experiences of how each of us had traveled the grief journey.

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