Four Stars by Joel Golby

Author:Joel Golby [Golby, Joel]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2024-04-15T00:00:00+00:00

ASKING A FRIEND FOR MONEY THAT HE TECHNICALLY OWES YOU BUT IT’S BEEN QUITE A LONG TIME NOW AND YOU FEEL AWKWARD BRINGING IT UP EVEN THOUGH IS IT YOUR MONEY AND ALSO YOUR NEED FOR THE MONEY IS NOW GREATER THAN WHEN YOU FIRST LENT IT, WHICH IN ITSELF IS EMBARRASSING, EVEN THOUGH AGAIN: IT IS YOUR MONEY

I saw Pete waiting outside the Tube station for a bus and though I thought about turning around and hiding in a shop or something there wasn’t really any suitable shop there – just a kiosk that sells sweets and cigarettes and newspapers to an audience of nobody, and that’s not an actual shop it’s just a stand, and though I did try to hide in it for a second I rapidly realised that wasn’t really working, plus I knocked a load of Fruit Pastilles over and had to pick them up off the floor and the guy was like “leave it, leave it, leave it PLEASE, just LEAVE IT!”, like he was getting quite agitated at me personally despite my very clear attempts to help – and also Pete had spotted me and started taking his headphones out so I bit the inside of my mouth down really hard then smiled then walked over and said “Hi” and then “How Are You”. He said he was good.

“I’ve been meaning to text you actually. We were all talking about you at Ed Warburton’s housewarming party.”

“Ed Warburton has a house?”

“Yeah he bought it with his fiancée.”

“He bought it?”

“Yeah. Up in Green Lanes.”

“How did Ed Warburton buy a house?”

“I don’t know. With money? He’s been really busy. Plus he got that book deal. It’s really good to see you!”

— and all the air escapes my lungs, and the ton of metal that sits atop of my head at all times doubles in size, and the colours were sucked from the sky, and a bus in a faded shade of red whirred past me as my heart pumped hard in my neck. Of course, of course, of course. The universe is a complicated joke where I am the sole living punchline. Ed Warburton has a book deal.

“I thought you stopped hanging out with him, anyway?”

“No. Ed’s a nice guy.”

“I know but I thought I told you that I hated him. That he’s a hack, a talentless hack. And he’s my mortal enemy.”

“I thought that was a joke.”

“Why would I joke about that?”

“So you really wanted me to stop hanging out with Ed Warburton, a guy whose stag do I went on, because you don’t like him very much since they gave him your TV column?”

“It’s a different column, but yes.”

“Joel, that’s like. That’s insane.”

That helped. I told him he still owed me £500 from that time he started a vintage hat reselling business in the exact month the terms and conditions of his student overdraft changed and that I would like it back now please, and a bank transfer is fine, and even though he

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