Exit the Dragon by Heide Goody & Iain Grant

Author:Heide Goody & Iain Grant [Goody, Heide & Grant, Iain]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Fantasy, comedy, humor, Humour, wizard
Publisher: Pigeon Park Press
Published: 2019-05-29T23:00:00+00:00

Chapter 10 - Strangol

In my defence [said Pagnell] I would point out that the village had appeared destroyed. Or at least abandoned.

A stench hung over the place. A midden heap of fish heads was the thought that leaped initially to mind. But there was an undercurrent of pervasive filth, of a people who had embraced a lifestyle so base that everyone wanted their own midden heap of fish heads to improve the smell.

I was not quite at the end of the world, just the scrappy leftover bits of the world that nobody wanted. It was bleak up there, with grey rocks jutting out of an equally grey sea under a sky that bulged with rain. The land was mostly scrub, brambles and moss, interspersed with treacherous marshes. The trees were spindly, desperate things. It was the kind of place that offered little opportunity to a wizard, a dentist or a roving diplomat-for-hire and I could present myself as any of the three if the situation required.

The situation did not require it.

The villagers caught me in the act of levering two beautiful pieces of dragon shell from the carved pole at the centre of the village. The situation required fast legs and the agility of a hare and I possessed neither. The people’s garments were fashioned from rancid hide, tied on with lengths of twine. Their faces were barely discernible underneath foul beards which hung in matted strings down their chests. Their red-rimmed eyes blinked constantly, as though they hadn’t slept in weeks and the grey light of day hurt them.

“A stranger, Knubbig!” yelled one in the Uvås language, revealing a mouth full of rotten teeth that made my dentist’s heart give an involuntary leap.

“It is, Snöflinga!” declared a bulky man.

I had clearly turned into the most interesting thing these unfortunates had seen in a long while so I pushed back my hood. No sense in hiding my handsome face from these onlookers. A collective gasp arose. I get that a lot. It’s the burden I bear, being possessed of such good looks. And soap.

“I didn’t want to cause any alarm. I can see that you’re a tight-knit community, and I realise that the appearance of a stranger could be disruptive. But now that I have your attention, I would like to talk to you about the wonders of oral hygiene and innovative dentistry.”

In truth, my command of Uvås isn’t that great and so what I actually said was ‘the wonders of mouth-washing and cunning tooth-trickery’ but it was good enough. I bowed low, sweeping the dragon shell pieces behind my back and out of view.

“Let us be strangers no more,” I said smoothly. “I am Newport Pagnell, friend to all, valued advisor to the Yarwish king, the guildmasters of Aumeria and —”

“E’s nicked Storfeten’s eyes,” came a squeaky voice from behind.

I turned to see a thing that might have been a child or might have been the unholy offspring of a very lonely man and something he met in a cave.

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