Eeeee Eee Eeee by Tao Lin

Author:Tao Lin
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub, azw3
Tags: Contemporary, Humour, Adult
ISBN: 9781933633251
Publisher: Melville House
Published: 2007-01-02T00:00:00+00:00

A hamster was on the wall in the bear’s kitchen when the bear appeared.

The bear appeared sitting in a chair.

The hamster ran like a spider across the wall, the ceiling, and another wall.

The bear went to his bedroom.

“My heart is fast,” the bear said to his girlfriend.

“Your heart?” the bear’s girlfriend said.

“Why?”

“A hamster,” the bear said.

“Come here,” the bear’s girlfriend said.

“I don’t feel like sex,” the bear said.

The bear’s girlfriend took the blanket into the kitchen.

The hamster was sitting on the table.

It leapt to the wall and ran across the wall.

The bear’s girlfriend went into the bedroom.

The bear was on the bed.

The bear’s girlfriend lay on the bed.

“I don’t want to exert effort,” the bear said. “I don’t want to move or think anymore.”

“Blow-job,” the bear’s girlfriend said. “Don’t be passive-aggressive.”

“I don’t want one. I’m just saying how I feel.”

The bear’s girlfriend rolled off the bed then ran into the kitchen. The hamster was sitting on the table.

And the bear’s girlfriend put the blanket on the hamster.

The bear came into the kitchen.

“It will suffocate,” the bear said.

The hamster chewed through the blanket.

The hamster stood there.

“I didn’t know they do that,” the bear’s girlfriend said.

“I saw it before,” the bear said.

“You just said it would die,” the bear’s girlfriend said. “You said ‘suffocate.’ ”

“I forgot,” the bear said.

“I was talking about myself,” the bear said. “It feels like I’m suffocating.”

“Your conversation is interminable,” the hamster said.

“I know,” the bear said.

The bear’s girlfriend sat at the table and held the hamster.

The bear’s girlfriend slapped the hamster softly in the hamster’s face.

The bear sat at the table.

“I want to kill Saul Bellow,” the bear said. “I know he is already dead.”

“Do you still hate your novel?” the bear’s girlfriend said.

“My novel is stupid,” the bear said.

“I want to chew through something,” the bear’s girlfriend said.

“I feel like I’m upside down right now,” the bear said. “It feels bad. I feel terrible.”

The hamster was asleep.

“It fell asleep from our conversation,” the bear’s girlfriend said.

“I should take Viagra, anti-depressant medicine, Ritalin, and Caffeine tablets at the same time,” the bear said. “Then vomit in a bucket. And take a bath in the swimming pool.”

“It’s pretending,” the bear’s girlfriend said. “To avoid having to talk to us.”

“It’s making fun of us,” the bear said. “How boring we are.”

“I think I just fell asleep,” the bear’s girlfriend said. “That’s how boring this is right now.”

“I want to slap a moose,” the bear said.

Sometimes moose would be sleeping and they would feel something. They woke and were being slapped by a bear. But they were not angry. Moose had no delusions that year. They knew there were facts and that the world itself was a fact and that facts were not good or bad but just there—a worldview that happened sometimes after you suffered for a long time, alone, in your room, physically comfortable and listening to music—and so had no opinions, feelings, fear, or hatred. They saw the bears with the blankets and they said, “Thank you.”

Sometimes a bear would feel cold.

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