Eddy Nugent by Picking Up the Brass
Author:Picking Up the Brass [Brass, Picking Up the]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Biography, History
ISBN: 9781906308032
Google: Z647PgAACAAJ
Amazon: 1906308039
Goodreads: 3705551
Publisher: Monday
Published: 2006-01-01T00:00:00+00:00
SEX LIARS AND SAMUEL MORSE
The return trip to Harrogate was, as usual, fraught with worry. I was anxious as to whether I’d be any good at trade training, but my immediate concerns were more about my new roommates. After basic training, our entire troop had been disbanded and redistributed amongst the rest of the squadron, spread randomly through the rooms occupied by older soldiers. Some of us would be lucky enough to end up with a couple of friends, others might find themselves the only new boy in a room of hairy-arsed mentalists. My fears were slightly allayed once I got into camp and checked the squadron orders board: Barry Nash was in with me, though I didn’t know any of the other occupants. It was a who’s who of unfamiliar names, McInerney, Ellis, Barnard and Collins. The room NCO was AT/Lance Corporal Derby.
The older blokes didn’t really pay us much attention, but every now and then, Barry and I would be referred to as ‘stroppy rooks’. As time went on, we were gradually accepted and integrated into the room pecking order. The natural life cycle of the college continued and, after a couple of weeks, another recruit troop was in progress on the lower floor, meaning that we weren’t at the bottom of the food chain anymore. As bad as it may seem, it cheered me up to see the new recruits getting beasted. From my lofty vantage point, I couldn’t believe how shit they were at drill, and everything else for that matter.
As the lads gradually accepted us, we came to know them as individuals. They were all just older versions of the characters from my recruit troop.
Paul McInerney was a mad jock, very similar to Tom Galbraith. The most morally bankrupt member of the room was Graham ‘Spud Gun’ Ellis. Spud, a porn fiend extraordinaire, possessed an outstanding repository of filth, or ‘art’ as he called it. Many a time I’d be snoozing on my bed, only to be awoken by Spud holding open the Readers’ Wives section of Fiesta an inch from my face.
‘Look at that, Eddie. Look at it. Now that is hot,’ he would enthuse. Staring back at me would be ‘Rita, from Tamworth,’ legs akimbo, airing her admirably-furred display of genital topiary.
‘What do you reckon to that fadge?’ Spud would continue. ‘Look at the state of the bastard, it’s like a hairy nappy. Hey, Eddie, it’s like a wolf with its throat cut. Here, if you like that, look at page 42, there’s two fat lezzas having a baked bean and custard fight.’
This behaviour was only a scratch on the surface of Spud’s depravity. His most notable idiosyncrasy had been the thing that had spawned his nickname. He had a scrotum that, when stretched to its full extent, was of record-breaking proportions and he used it to perform a series of amusing tricks. The opening trick of his repertoire was to stretch his ball bag over the top of a pint pot and play it like a tom-tom drum.
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Dark Humor | Humorous |
Satire |
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