Dude, where's my country? by Michael Moore

Author:Michael Moore
Format: mobi, epub
Tags: , Humor, (George Walker), Political, 2001-, Bush, Political Science, Terrorism, United States - Politics and government - 2001-2009, Politics and government, Political Ideologies, Topic - Political, Political Freedom & Security, Government, George W, 21st Century, American Satire And Humor, History, 2001-2009, International Relations, George W., Presidents - United States, 1946-, American, Conservatism, Political satire, U.S. Practical Politics, United States, War on Terrorism, Conservatism & Liberalism, United States - Politics and government - 2001, 1989-, General, Topic, 2001, United States - Foreign relations - 2001, Politics, American wit and humor
ISBN: 9780446532235
Publisher: Warner Books
Published: 2003-10-06T16:00:00+00:00

10338-Dude, Where's My Country? 8/27/03 1:09 PM Page 129

6

Jesus W. Christ

HI. GOD HERE.

I hope you don’t mind if I interrupt Mike’s book with a few words from Me, your Almighty Creator, but hey, I’m God—who’s going to stop Me?

You’ve probably heard My name bandied about quite a bit lately, and if there’s one thing that really ticks Me off, it’s bandying. Another thing that really puts Me in an ugly, Old Testament mood is people taking My name in vain. And there is one individual who invokes Me every chance he gets. He’s passing himself off to you as My personal messenger. Remember, I see and hear every- thing, and here’s some of what I’ve heard from this guy:

“I could not be governor if I did not believe in a divine plan that supercedes all human plans.”

“I believe God wants me to be president.”

10338-Dude, Where's My Country? 8/27/03 1:09 PM Page 130

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M I C H A E L M O O R E

“I feel the comfort and the power of knowing that literally millions of Americans I’m never going to meet . . . say my name to the Almighty every day and ask him to help me . . . My friend, Jiang Zemin in China, has about a billion and a half folks, and I don’t think he can say that. And my friend, Vladimir Putin, I like him, but he can’t say that.”

Can you believe this nitwit? I actually like Putin and Jiang a lot. Do you think I keep making so many Chinese and Russians because I don’t like them?

I have a confession to make: Sometimes I screw up. Not all of My creations are perfect. And, in the case of the human you know as George W. Bush, well, this is one that really got away from Me. I’m not quite sure how it happened. I have a pretty strict inventory process and it’s rare that something I create turns out to be a clunker. But when I screw up, I screw up big. Take Pompeii—I still don’t know what the hell happened there. I was experimenting with a new mix of sulfur and dioxide and sugar-free cola and before I knew it—BOOM! At least it’s good for the tourism (unlike Atlantis, which was really embarrassing). Then there’s Bangladesh. I was trying to get the land and water levels just right but I miscalculated and couldn’t quite make it fit. You know how when you’re making the bed and after you’ve pulled everything into place and then there’s always that one spot that just doesn’t even itself out, so you kinda tuck it in under the mattress? That’s Bangladesh. The whole damn thing is below sea level. All those floods were never meant to be a wrath-of-Me thing.

And, yes, I do wish I had given you all eyes in the back of your heads. Bad design flaw. Also, you’re right—there are NOT enough hours in the day. When I created the heavens and the Earth,

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