Does This Boyfriend Make My Butt Look Big? by Jenna McCarthy
Author:Jenna McCarthy [McCarthy, Jenna]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: She Writes Press
Published: 2014-02-25T00:00:00+00:00
Chapter 9
When Michael closes the door I quickly peek into his bedroom. You know, to make sure there are no chain saws or stray body parts. The first thing I notice is that that he is very neat and even makes his bed. The only other furniture in there is a big, mahogany armoireâperfect for stashing chain saws and body parts, but Iâm not about to checkâand a desk with a typewriter on it. A typewriter!
The bathroom is your basic bathroom, but I notice that thereâs a candle on the back of the toilet. Thereâs also a rug that matches the neatly folded towels that match the shower curtain (which I do check behind, even though my editor cut âalways check for murderers behind the shower curtainâ from my âLessons from the Big Screenâ story). What single man has matching towels? A womanâs been here, I think. Evidently.
The living room is small but cozy, with a soft, brown saddle-leather sofa that has a rich, masculine smell. I peruse the pictures on the bookshelvesâlots of active group shots, skiing, hiking, one island-looking beachâno kids, no discernible female common denominator or woman-alone pictures. I do this because Iâm a journalist, not because Iâm interested or anything.
The coffee table has three orderly stacks of magazines, which I flip through Sherlock Holmesâstyle. The Atlantic Monthly. Highbrow. Money. Ambitious. Cigar Aficionado. Sexy. The New Yorker. All of the above. There are no computer, car, fishing, gay, or girlie magazines in the lot. Of course, theyâre probably hidden in a drawer or under the bedâwith the ropes and gagsâbut I appreciate the fact that theyâre not out in plain sight. I hear the key in the door, grab the Atlantic, and pretend to be reading.
âOh, hey,â I say casually, looking up with mild surprise. Like, I didnât expect you.
Michael gives me a little wink and heads toward the kitchen with two enormous bags. What on earth did he buy? I hope itâs not a ski mask and duct tape, although if it is, I suppose Iâve asked for it.
âCan I help you?â I ask, following him mostly so that I can see what heâs got going on in there. It really is better to be prepared for these things. I spot a pen on a side table and grab it on my way in. In âHow to Defend Yourself in a Surprise Attack,â we explained exactly how to jab a pen into someoneâs trachea if you need to do serious damage.
Michael holds up a bag of Doritos. âFor Max,â he says. Then he unpacks four different kinds of Ben & Jerryâs. âThey were out of Cherry Garcia,â he explains, âand I donât yet know your other likes.â Donât yet know. I survey the lineup: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, Phish Food, Ooey Gooey Cake (frozen yogurt, not ice cream), and one Iâve never tried (!) called 2-Twisted Half Baked.
âI didnât know if you were one of those women who fret about foods of a potentially fattening nature,
Download
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.
Dark Humor | Humorous |
Satire |
The Hating Game by Sally Thorne(18698)
Cat's cradle by Kurt Vonnegut(14757)
The Break by Marian Keyes(9075)
Crazy Rich Asians by Kevin Kwan(8883)
A Man Called Ove: A Novel by Fredrik Backman(8179)
Me Before You by Jojo Moyes(6232)
The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion(5831)
Beartown by Fredrik Backman(5348)
Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman(5084)
A Year in the Merde by Stephen Clarke(5074)
Beach Read by Emily Henry(4977)
The Unhoneymooners by Christina Lauren(4649)
Audition by Ryu Murakami(4610)
China Rich Girlfriend by Kwan Kevin(4283)
Rich People Problems by Kevin Kwan(4121)
Ayesha At Last by Uzma Jalaluddin(3999)
Lamb, the Gospel According to Biff by Christopher Moore(3299)
Hardcore Twenty-Four by Janet Evanovich(3229)
The Rosie Effect by Graeme Simsion(3201)
