Does the Name Pavlov Ring a Bell? by Gary Blake

Author:Gary Blake
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Skyhorse Publishing
Published: 2017-01-02T05:00:00+00:00

“ … No circumstances, however dismal, will ever be considered a sufficient excuse for the admission of that last and saddest evidence of intellectual poverty, the Pun.”

—Mark Twain, A Biography

CHAPTER 10

Animal Puns

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

~•~

Did you hear about the promiscuous queen bee who tested HIVE-positive?

~•~

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

~•~

Did the matador kick the bull as the bull ran toward his red cape?

The judge determined that the matador was guilty as charged.

~•~

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

~•~

I paid the veterinarian by check when I had my cat neutered, and he marked the bill “Spayed in Full.”

~•~

The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.

~•~

The duck said to the bartender, “Put it on my bill.”

~•~

It’s okay to watch elephants bathe as long as they wear their trunks.

~•~

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

~•~

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “So, why the long face?”

~•~

When he suggested making children’s cookies in the shape of animals, they thought he was crackers.

~•~

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your duck Cuddles has passed away.”

The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.

“How can you be so sure,” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog, took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100-percent-certifiably, a dead duck.” Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!” The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but, with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.00.”

~•~

My pony has a cold.

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