Dear Dolly by Dolly Alderton

Author:Dolly Alderton
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2023-01-19T00:00:00+00:00

Dear Dolly: ‘Do you believe in right person, wrong time?’

Do you believe in right person, wrong time? I am in my early twenties and feel I have found the person I am supposed to be with. They say when you know, you know, and I really think I know. He feels the same. However, right now we have no time to see each other because of our careers. How are you supposed to let go when it feels so right and nothing has gone wrong? Do I wait?

Your problem is one I have been thinking about a lot over the past few years. Obviously I don’t have the answer. But, like any good agony aunt, I have a much clearer and more certain perspective on your dilemma than I do on my own. Maybe I should write in to myself. No, too mad even for me.

Anyway. I’ve flip-flopped on this relationship conundrum for a long time. Yes, I do believe in right person, wrong time. But I also think that a ‘wrong time’ is nearly always a self-constructed limitation. When someone says they can’t be with someone because it’s ‘the wrong time’, (mostly) they believe what they’re saying – I’ve been that person many a time. And that belief is hugely frustrating and saddening, but I don’t think it’s strictly true. Our relationship schedules aren’t dictated by some greater power. We don’t get a calendar issued to us by a relationship boss that tells us which years or months we have to be single or have to be committed to someone. We have full control of our own timing if we meet someone we like who also wants to be with us. It might not be what we expected, it might take more thought to make it work, but we are in charge of our own decisions when it comes to love.

So why are we so preoccupied with this idea of there being a perfect time to be in a relationship? I think, first, it’s about our own personal concept of freedom. Some people instinctively associate being single with being free – having the time and permission to go on adventures or have lots of experiences or focus on building a career. I am one of these people. For others, commitment is their meaning of freedom. They see the great adventure of life as merging lives with another and having lots of experiences together. I know a lot of serial monogamists with enormous careers who credit their success on having been in a serious relationship for their twenties. ‘I didn’t have to waste time worrying about dating,’ one of them once said to me.

I also think our obsession with this nebulous thing called ‘timing’ is to do with our equation of a successful relationship with an eternal one. If we meet someone who feels right for us, we have been told it means we should be with them until the day we die. And if we aren’t with them for all that time, then our initial instinct that they were right for us was incorrect.

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