Dazzle Me Dead by Lindsay Maracotta

Author:Lindsay Maracotta [Maracotta, Lindsay]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Fiction, General, Mystery & Detective, Women Sleuths
ISBN: 9780380726899
Google: k0cesHFTZDoC
Amazon: 0380726890
Publisher: NYLA
Published: 1998-07-01T04:00:00+00:00

At 3:00 a.m., my eyes shot open. I was wide awake, with little hope of falling immediately back to sleep.

I slipped out of bed, taking care not to wake Tom, pulled a robe over my naked body, and tiptoed downstairs. In the den, I poured myself a stiff shot of Calvados and curled on the sofa. Furball, the more social of our cats, sprang onto my lap; his brother, Howard, whose claim to fame was having seven toes on each of his front paws, draped himself behind my head.

I scratched Furball’s ruff, then picked up the remote and began to channel surf: Click. Sci-fi film from the Eighties or Nineties...Click. Erotic movie, a couple writhing in soft focus on what appeared to be a trampoline...Click. Infomercial, lithe blond woman in a tigerskin leotard prowling with a mike in front of a giddily enthusiastic audience...

I was about to click past it, when I realized I knew Ms. Tigerskin—it was Caitlin Jones, former nanny to the elite and second ex-wife of Jeremy Lord.

I turned the sound up a notch. Caitlin had selected an audience member to join her on stage, a fiftyish woman with what’s known as a “Lockheed lift”—the kind of face-lift that makes you look like you’re perpetually caught in the blast of a jet engine. The gist of her testimony was that her sufferings throughout menopause had been epic: hot flashes you could’ve toasted marshmallows on; mood swings that would have made the average manic-depressive look serene; reflexive gagging at the mere thought of sex.

Caitlin was taking this in with a solemn expression, occasionally dipping her golden head in sympathy. “But this was before you began my VitalHerb four-step regimen, is that correct, Lila?” The probing but tender manner of a surgeon palpating a post-op patient.

“That is correct, Caitlin,” beamed Lila. “I began the VitalHerb regimen two months ago. After one week, my hot flashes diminished to the point where I hardly noticed them at all, and my mood swings became completely manageable. And I’m pleased to say that now my husband and I enjoy a full and satisfying sex life.”

The audience cheered and whooped. Caitlin applauded, kathump, kathump, kathump, with the mike.

Lila flushed crimson, as if having a sudden relapse into one of those barbecue-starting hot flashes.

A silky male voice-over came on the line: “As personal nutritionist and diet counselor, Caitlin Jones has helped hundreds of Hollywood celebrities to lose weight and maintain peak physical performance. But now you too can order her amazing, one hundred percent organic products, once only available to her celebrity clients...”

There followed a list of the available regimens. VitalHerb seemed to offer a pop-a-pill solution to just about anything that might ail you, from insomnia to flabby thighs, from stress and anxiety to postnasal drip. The fact that at the moment I seemed to be able to check off at least eighty percent of these categories made me an ideal candidate for the VitalHerb Regimen numbers one through six inclusive.

I’ll stick to booze, I thought.

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