Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs (Backlist eBook Program) by Barry Dave

Author:Barry, Dave [Barry, Dave]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi, azw3
ISBN: 0740706004
Publisher: Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC
Published: 2012-11-06T08:00:00+00:00

Weenie Music

“I write the songs that make the whole world nauseous”

What, exactly, do I mean by the term weenie music? I mean “The kind of sniveling, pouty, hypersensitive, self-absorbed song, usually performed by males, that makes you want to pick up the singer by his pencil neck and shake him until he stops.”

A classic example of a weenie song—one that did very well in the Bad Song Survey—is Morris Albert’s “Feelings,” which gave the world this unforgettably eloquent expression of heartfelt emotion:

Feelings

Wo wo wo

Feelings

Wo wo wo

Probably the most violently hated of the weenie songs cited in the survey was “Sometimes When We Touch,” sung in a very emotional manner by Dan Hill, who sounds as though he’s having his prostate examined by Captain Hook. Voters were especially incensed by these lyrics:

I’m just another writer

Still trapped within my truth

and

I want to hold you till I die

Till we both break down and cry

Expressing a typical voter opinion, Laura McCusker wrote: “I always thought dentists should pipe this song into their waiting rooms. After sitting through it half a dozen or so times, patients would be BEGGING for root canal.”

I think the same could also be said for another weenie classic, Bob Lind’s “Elusive Butterfly,” wherein he tells us that if we hear a sound, we should not be concerned, because it’s only him, chasing “the bright elusive butterfly of love.”

Yo, Bob: We’re not concerned. Leave us out of it.

Of course when you talk about weenie music, there’s one name you have to bring up, although I am very reluctant to do so, because on those occasions when I have said anything even remotely negative about this person in my newspaper column, I have gotten an extremely angry reaction from his many, many fanatically loyal fans, so let me preface this with the following:

Special Note to Barry Manilow Fans:

Please do not get mad at me! I am merely reporting the views of other people here! I personally think Barry is the greatest! He is a music giant and a stud muffin of vast masculinity! I have a shrine to him in my living room! Even bigger than my Neil Diamond shrine!

P.S. to John Denver Fans: John is also the greatest! I don’t think he’s a weenie at all for writing “Annie’s Song” and “Sunshine on My Shoulders”!

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