Cunk on Everything by Philomena Cunk

Author:Philomena Cunk [CUNK, PHILOMENA]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
Published: 2023-09-26T00:00:00+00:00

H

Hair

Hair is the human body’s decoration. It’s basically body tinsel. Most hair gathers on humans in the most important places: around the bits and coming out of the brain.

Animals have hair, too, but because they have far more of it, it’s called “fur,” which is the old word for “far more.” (Horses have hair, because they count as human, for obvious reasons.) It’s a pity fur isn’t called something that reflects its nature as all-over hair, like “everywhair,” but then animals don’t have the same imagination as humans so they couldn’t think up something as clever as that. The only animals clever enough to think of something like this are crows and dolphins, and they don’t need a word for all-over hair, because they haven’t got any.

Eventually, science will probably prove where hair ends and fur starts. A bit like it’ll prove where sheds end and barns begin, or where mist ends and fog begins, or where shoes end and skis begin.

Hair comes in different shapes and colors. Lots of the colors are named after food, like ginger, strawberry blonde and potato brown, although I’ve only ever seen that last one on a box of remaindered Estonian hair dye in Poundland and they’d spelled potato with a “b.” And there are almost as many hair shapes as there are hairs: perm, fade, Afro, lob, mullet—they all sound like characters from a banned children’s program.

The worst hairstyles are worn exclusively by white men you wouldn’t want to be trapped in a stalled train carriage with: Donald Trump and his golden candyfloss; Jimmy Savile and his dirty white bell; Noel Edmonds and his Dutch cottage. Elaborate and frightening crests are nature’s way of warning you to keep away.

When you look at them under a microscope, hairs are surprisingly enormous, like everything. You don’t realize how enormous they are usually because you take them for granted, like water and parents. Each hair has a long bit, which is the hair, and a small fat end which lives inside you, called the bollicle. Hairs drink sweat and skin oils, which is why we don’t keep them as pets. Humans have up to 150,000 hairs on their head, which is enough to stretch from Trafalgar Square to Woking (or St. Albans if you’ve had a choppy bob).

They say if you don’t wash your hair, it cleans itself. But this isn’t true: what actually happens is it gets matted up and starts to smell of Wimpy, and people start moving away from you on busses, and eventually you get forced to wash it or you don’t get your clothing allowance. Just ask Mick Hucknall.

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