Crashing the A-List by Summer Heacock
Author:Summer Heacock
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: MIRA Books
Published: 2019-04-18T12:50:28+00:00
24
Charlie called early this morning with the news that Brutus is repaired and back on the lot. I was surprised by how enthused I was at the prospect of returning to my work at E-Z Storage, but with only four units left to go, the promise of getting the albatross off my back seems quite thrilling.
Plus the endless anxiety remains excellent fuel for hauling shit around. Not quite as good as my rage from the last week, but preferable, overall.
As I’d predicted, I woke up this morning to infuriated text messages from my mother, appalled that I spent last night having bathroom sex with my movie-star boyfriend.
You need to get off the TMZ website, Mom.
I don’t hear you denying it, Clara. I didn’t raise you to behave this way. And I’m not on that website. I have a Google Alert set up for your name.
MOM. No. No, no, no. Undo it. And I didn’t have sex with Caspian in a restaurant bathroom. God.
I ignored all her other responses, as they’re serving only to raise my blood pressure.
Before I headed over to E-Z Storage, I’d checked my email and discovered I have three other houses wanting to set up interviews with me. I responded to each of them, full of professional hope, but now, a couple of hours later, I can’t shake the feeling that they’re all Tiddle-based.
“Seriously,” CiCi says, pulling me out of my moody thoughts, “it’s not the worst thing in the world for them to want to hire you.”
CiCi, ever the best pal—and possibly on orders from Tom, who is likely on orders from my mother to not let me stay at the units alone for very long—has sacrificed her Saturday morning and vowed to help me finish at least one unit before I have to go fluff myself up for the fancy Manhattanites. Tonight, Caspian and I are set to have dinner together again.
“Because of who I’m dating,” I scoff. “Correction—who they think I’m dating. Who I’m not actually dating, but who I originally started gallivanting all over town with because Trina has the same stellar impulse control that I do.”
CiCi pauses to think. “I’m still shocked she did that. It’s always the quiet ones.”
“And we have exactly zero room to judge her, don’t we?”
Bashfully, she mutters something about different motivations.
We work in silence for a few minutes until she says, “This unit is gross. Why would someone keep a bunch of canned food in a storage place?”
I look around. “I don’t know. End-of-the-world planning?”
“This is a lot of spoiled planning.” She holds up a rusty can. “This says it expired seven years ago. Ever wonder what happens to canned potatoes that expired seven years ago?”
“Not even a little.”
She tosses the can back into the box and tries to lift it, but the cardboard hasn’t handled time well and shreds under the weight of the cans. They clatter all over the cement floor, and CiCi dances out of the way to avoid losing a toe.
“Oh, shit! There were jars in there, too!”
Then she claps her hands over her face and screams.
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Dark Humor | Humorous |
Satire |
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