Clovenhoof's Diary: June by Heide Goody & Iain Grant

Author:Heide Goody & Iain Grant [Goody, Heide]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: devil, funny, Demon, sature, Comedy, Angel
Publisher: Pigeon Park Press
Published: 2019-07-14T23:00:00+00:00

WANKERS OUT!

She came back down the path and slapped the sheet of printed stickers into his hand.

“You sticker, I glue,” she said. Her tone was frosty.

Clovenhoof looked at the sheet. There was a variety of messages:

PISS OFF!

DON’T BE A TWAT!

FFS!

STOP BEING A COCK!

“I’m all for random pranks and general insults…” he said.

“But?” said Miranda.

“There’s no but,” he said. “Although I might ask, why?”

She held up her phone. “I tracked down the owner of every shop and business with a ‘local shops for local people’ sign in the window. If they think it’s okay to exclude people then we’re going to exclude them from their own homes.”

“Cool,” he grinned.

She didn’t smile back. Miranda wasn’t a big smiler. Generally pissed off was her default setting but Clovenhoof got the impression that this current anger was mostly directed at him.

They walked a sinuous path through the housing estates south of Sutton town centre generally winding their way towards her little terrace house. She superglued door locks and he slapped offensive stickers on the door. She should have enjoyed it. This kind of street guerrilla activity was the sea she swam in but with each house, her stony expression stayed the same. Even when a man came out of his house and caught them in the act and they were forced to run, she didn’t crack a smile.

“I get the impression,” said Clovenhoof. “Just a hint of one, mind, that you’re not pleased with me.”

“The town is in crisis,” she said.

“That’s not my fault,” he said. “Not always.”

“And you’re up to stupid antics in London as though that’s somehow going to solve things.”

“Hey, I really tried,” he said.

“You think this all just fun and games, don’t you?”

He considered the glue and the stickers. “This sort of feels like fun and games.”

“This is a war,” she said. “Bloody nutters and extremists are ruining things for the rest of us. You can’t treat it like a jolly jape.”

“I don’t think I ever describe anything as a jolly jape,” he said, “but if a thing ain’t fun then what’s the point?”

She scowled further. It was hard to scowl further when your face was already scowling but she gave it a really good go. They continued, her fixedly sullen about the whole thing, him trying to enjoyed as best he could until they were by the front of her house.

“I did expect a warmer greeting upon my return to Sunny Sutton,” Clovenhoof admitted.

“Yeah, well…” she pouted. “You’re a dick and it was a long week in a miserable town.”

He handed her back the remaining stickers.

“Anyway, I’ve got to go home for my dinner. I’ve got hotel freebies to unpack.”

“Where do you think you’re going?” she said.

“Er…”

“You are coming inside and we’re having sex right now.”

“I thought you were pissed off with me.”

“I am pissed off with you,” she said, “but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to ride you like a space hopper until next Tuesday.”

He gestured between them, encompassing her mood of the last hour. “This might be described as mixed signals.

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