Clovenhoof by Heide Goody & Iain Grant

Author:Heide Goody & Iain Grant
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Tags: comic fantasy, fantasy, (¯`'•.¸//(*_*)\\¸.•'´¯), Humour
ISBN: 9780957175440
Publisher: Pigeon Park Press
Published: 2012-07-26T07:00:00+00:00

Clovenhoof helped shepherd the two classes of years twos into the hall to accompanying coos and waves and the flash of cameras from the audience. Once both classes were sitting down in front of the low stage, Mrs Well-Dunn came to the front and made some opening remarks which were generally ignored while parents checked the pictures and videos they had already taken and jostled for position to take more.

The choir were welcomed on and Michael, with a cheesy grin for the mums, and twenty-odd children took to the stage. Michael bent to address his choristers.

“Deep breaths. Faces raised. And let God’s love shine through,” he whispered.

The children did as they were told and launched into He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands.

Clovenhoof gritted his teeth and listened. He hated all hymns but there were degrees of hatred. He only held a half-hearted dislike for some hymnals. He liked the lunacy of Blake’s Jerusalem and he always appreciated any mention he got in a hymn. But on the other hand, there were hymns that he loathed beyond words. He’s Got the Whole World... was one of them but that was nothing compared to...

“Shoot me, please,” he moaned as the choir segued into Kumbayah. The horrifically insipid spiritual was like nails dragging down the blackboard of his nonexistent soul. To round off the torture, they finished with To Be a Pilgrim, including those ridiculous lines about giants, hobgoblins and foul fiends.

While Clovenhoof clutched his guts and tried to hold himself together, the audience clapped, cheered and elbowed each other aside to get a good photo of their offspring.

“Well, how do you follow that?” said Mrs Well-Dunn to the audience as the choir trooped off.

“Yeah, beat that,” said Michael, sliding past Clovenhoof and away.

“Here,” said Mrs Well-Dunn, “are some members of 2W with a dramatic presentation of the parable of the prodigal son.”

Clovenhoof ushered his company players onto the stage. Fat Thor Lexworth-Hall, dressed in sacking with a cloth cow mask over his face crawled into position. Clovenhoof went over and stuck a bottle under each arm.

“On your cue, remember,” he said.

“Moo,” said Thor dutifully.

Little Peroni Picken, with a towel on her head, strode to centre stage.

“Where are my sons?” she declared with the slow and deliberate pronunciation of the conscientious child actor.

“Here we are,” chorused Kenzie Kelly and Herbie Gates.

“I want my share of your money,” said Kenzie.

“But I’m not dead yet,” said Peroni.

“But I want it!”

Peroni counted out invisible coins and shook her head.

“Now spend that wisely,” she said.

Kenzie trotted over to the side of the stage where he contrived to demonstrate through energetic mime the travails of a young man who did not spend his wealth wisely. Mercedes Jones appeared, slapped Kenzie about a bit and told him to look after Araminta Dowling, who was a pig.

“Can I have some of your seeds?” Kenzie asked the pig. “I’m sooo hungry.”

“No. Oink, oink.”

“This is rubbish!” declared Kenzie, jumping to his feet. “I’ve lost all my money. I’ll go back home and maybe my father will employ me as a servant.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.