Circling and Authentic Relating Practice Guide: Learn the group conversation practice that will transform all of your relationships and bring you the love, friendship and community that you want by Marc Beneteau

Author:Marc Beneteau [Beneteau, Marc]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2017-08-25T22:00:00+00:00

In Informal circling someone who is attacking you and (seemingly) holding no value to “commitment to connection”, it can be very powerful for you to stay in connection with them unilaterally. It can help them be seen in a way that they perhaps thought impossible (hence why they wanted to break the connection).

You can do this either in formal circles or else with strangers. Let me give an anecdote on the latter (from the blog of my friend Lisa Campion). This is black-belt level A/R and you may not be up for it. There is nothing wrong with walking away, either (maybe with a negative impact statement: “I don’t like how you are talking to me and I won’t participate in this”, or just “I am sorry, I can’t listen to this, I need to walk away”). You should not push yourself beyond what you have to give.

But here is Lisa’s story:

“The other day, I was in what could have been a parking lot rage incident. I was in the Target parking lot and I left my empty shopping cart near my car rather than take it back to the little corral. Mostly because I broke my foot and it’s in a walking cast and my foot was aching already. The cart corral suddenly looked like it was a long way away.

Then a gust of wind came along and blew the cart into a man’s very nice car. I watched it go feeling like –uh oh and ….ding.

Instantly he became a very angry dude. He ran over to me and was really yelling, how rude, what the hell was my problem, he was on a roll, all purple in the face. He stopped when he saw my foot in the air cast. I apologized but he kept right on going. I could feel that his anger was about something else and I was just the trigger, it was so obvious. The ding had opened up his anger closet, which was full and it all overflowed.

He was projecting this all over me. Of course it is annoying to have your car dinged by a shopping cart (It didn’t even leave a mark, truthfully) but his reaction was epic, it was like an 8 out of 10 when maybe the ding was worthy of a 2.

I got very grounded and opened my heart, just as if he was a client in my office. It was an experiment to see what would happen- so I trotted out my therapy voice and said, “Yeah dude, I am really sorry, I can see how mad you are. Anyone would be angry, I totally get it. My cart totally dinged your beautiful car.”

Angry Dude: “Yeah well- You should be more responsible and less of a selfish jerk blah blah…” He was off and running again.

Me: “Yes, you are right. Should have put that back where it was supposed to go. I hate it when people are selfish jerks. That sucks.”

Angry Dude looked less angry. He blinked a few times.

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