Catakism by Jeff Lazarus

Author:Jeff Lazarus
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Skyhorse Publishing
Published: 2017-03-14T04:00:00+00:00

Sacred Vestments (Cat T-Shirts and Pajamas)

Catakists wear kitty T-shirts and pajamas to proudly proclaim their Catakistic faith. Practically speaking, however, cat T-shirts function as an early warning system. They announce to would-be lovers, friends, employers, neighbors, and landlords, “Alert! Alert! This article of clothing contains a certified (and certifiable) cat fanatic. Consider yourself duly warned.”

Just a small sampling of the 9.4 trillion choices of cat sayings available on vestments of Catakism through a popular online cat-alog:

Sorry, I Was Thinking About Cats

Wanted, Dead and Alive: Schrodinger’s Cat

My Other Shirt Is Also Covered in Cat Hair

Meowy Christmas

You Say “Crazy Cat Lady” Like It’s a Bad Thing

Professional Cat Herder

Real Men Love Cats

It’s Not Drinking Alone if the Cat Is Home

Show Me Your Kitties

Crazy Cat Lady in Training

You’ve Cat to Be Kitten Me Right Meow

Check Meowt

All of My Children Have Paws

Cats Are Like Potato Chips; You Can’t Have Just One

I Work Hard So My Cat Can Have a Better Life

When I Want Your Opinion I’ll Pee on Something (Signed, Cat)

Cat Hair Is a Décor Choice

If You Don’t Talk to Your Cat About Catnip, Someone Else Will

The above represent Catakistic attempts to kittify the human world, but Catakism also attempts to humanize the feline world. One might say that Man makes Cat in his image and likeness. Just as many faiths encourage believers to make “offerings” to their deities of things that humans use and love—water, incense, flowers, fruit, etc.—so does Catakism make useless human offerings to Cat.

Here are some of the standard pieces of purr-aphernalia used to humanize the world of cats:

Idols and Fetishes (Cat Toys)

Catakists identify so strongly with their cats, they imagine cats have the same needs as humans. Even when it comes to entertainment. Cats, however, are self-sufficient entertainment-wise. Remember, they only have to fill about three and a half hours of free time every day. The rest of the time they are napping, eating, and barfing up hair balls. And when they do require stimulation of some kind, they are perfectly capable of providing it for themselves. They watch birds in the window, they hunt for mice, they torment the dog.

In other words, they do cat things.

However, many Catakists feel compelled to insert themselves into the cat’s natural processes. Thus, they purchase an endless array of cat toys, most of which are designed more for human entertainment. (No self-respecting cat would attach a stuffed mouse to a string; no chase equals no thrill.) Then they anxiously watch to see Mitten’s look of wonder and delight when said toy is presented.

In those rare instances when Cat deigns to give the object a moment of fleeting attention, the Catakist is filled with joy. Not because Cat has finally been rescued from the depths of boredom, but because the human has finally registered a blip on Cat’s awareness radar, which makes the human feel warm and fuzzy, right?

Here are just some of the cat toys Catakists fill their homes with:

Confuse-a-Cat toys. There is an endless inventory of “toys” designed to confuse and “stimulate” kitties by presenting them with mazes, puzzles, and hidden objects.

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