Bless Your Heart, Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments by Celia Rivenbark

Author:Celia Rivenbark
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Publisher: St. Martin's Press
Published: 2006-05-30T04:00:00+00:00

The Grits Gonna Rise Again

A recent news item should remind all of us that there’s a hidden danger lurking in our homes that, if ignored, threatens the safety and sanity of our beloved families.

Radon? Nope. Unlocked gun cabinet? Wrong again.

It’s grits.

Sure, they look harmless enough sitting there in that bag on your pantry shelf but, when left to their own demonic devices, grits can be as destructive as a Republican congress.

People will shake their heads after the inevitable grits attack. Why, oh why, can’t we all just live in hominy?

Who knows how long grits across the nation have boiled and churned in anger?

The horror that unfolded in Gainesville, Florida, could inspire a B-movie. Say, Attack of the 2,000 Pound Grit or It Came From Corn!

A large pot of grits exploded and sent two people to the hospital. A bystander said the noise was awful and sounded like exploding electrical transformers.

Them grits were cheesed.

So how can we prevent a second grits rebellion? Well, we must begin by educating our youth, of course.

Face it. Schoolchildren are trained to crouch under over-passes or beside interior walls during a tornado but teachers have no idea how to prepare America’s most precious resource from a grits explosion.

Ask yourself this: When is the last time you saw a bag of grits? When is the last time you saw a tornado? There you have it.

When the grits exploded, confused youngsters could only stop, drop, and roll, jump in ditches, just say no, and abstain from sex when the hail of hominy fell from the sky. That’s pretty much all kids are taught these days.

The grits were being prepared for a client appreciation party hosted by a Gainesville accounting firm when a large piece of the exploding pot hit one of the guests just as he was waiting for his heaping helping of fish and grits.

Gee, clients are usually shown appreciation with such objects as calculators that last less than a week, not a hot grits shower without so much as a pat of butter on the back. I wonder if business has suffered following the explosion.

Rival accounting firms would be foolish not to take advantage of this disaster. I’m imagining an ad campaign for the competition: “We Do Your Taxes for Less AND We Don’t Pour Boiling Grits On Your Head.”

Just a thought.

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