Begin Again by Helly Acton

Author:Helly Acton
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Bonnier Publishing Fiction

Twenty-Three

‘You’re upset,’ Mabel comments, leaning forward to rest her chin on clasped hands. ‘Tell me why.’

‘I’m damned if I stay, damned if I don’t,’ Frankie sighs, despondently, back in The Station.

‘How so?’ Mabel asks.

‘If I stay, I’m potentially denying Toby the chance to be a young, happy father with Freya. I’d spend my life riddled with guilt. If I go, I miss out on the chance to enjoy that life myself. And, I think it’s a life I could come to love. In time. It might take some getting used to. But I could have overcome the petty irritations and accepted his imperfections. I mean, no one is perfect, but as a husband, Toby is probably as close as you could get to it.’

‘Miss out on the chance to enjoy that life yourself? Didn’t look like you were enjoying it from up here,’ Mabel says, with a confused face. ‘I also find it fascinating that you spent the precious time you had in your new life, returning to your old one.’

‘I got freaked out by the old people at Great Oaks,’ Frankie explains. ‘I imagined Toby and I were that couple. Fifty years of child chat, folding and phone rules flashed in my head and made me panic. I thought it would be sensible to see how I’d react to my old neighbourhood.’

‘You know, Frankie,’ Mable says, interrupting her thoughts, ‘this is about choosing your whole life. Not just about who you’re with. Your life doesn’t have to revolve entirely around your relationship. Romantic relationships are just one sliver of the big life pie. You should taste all of the slices. Where you live, who your friends are, what your work is, and most of all . . . who you are. What did you think of the Frankie you saw in the bathroom mirror?’

Frankie remembers the shiver of excitement that ran through her when she spotted the star tattoo on her back. Scratch under the conventional surface, and that Frankie wasn’t so conventional after all. That she’d got the tattoo behind Toby’s back sparked a second shiver. It showed Frankie that she was still in charge of who she was. She hadn’t allowed herself to become Toby’s Franks. She was Frankie’s Frankie and she could do whatever the hell she liked.

‘I loved her,’ Frankie replies. ‘She’s strong, defiant, in charge. Being controlled is my biggest fear, and it’s what I worried about most with Toby. I was scared of losing myself, letting go of my life, cancelling my plans. But getting that tattoo in secret, knowing how much Toby hates them, makes me feel really proud of myself. I’ve been thinking that Toby brings out the worst in me. But, maybe he actually brings out the best in me?’

Frankie feels silly. Getting a tattoo is hardly a big deal. But it’s a symbol for her. It comforts her to know that she’ll never be controlled. Just like her mum.

Frankie pauses, remembering how she’d beg her mum to ditch the blue wig and bowler hat for parents’ evening.

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